And so I finally make a return to blogging

Hello dear readers,
Alas it has been too long... and to what do I owe my excuse - to Facebook of course, and by associatiation, my cardiac arrest because until I was stuck at home convalescing last year, I had staunchly refused to accept any invitations to join Facebook.... and now I know why!!! TIMEWASTER OF THE CENTURY!! :)

The reason for this very belated post, is in fact in response to a Facebook status update where I recently decided it was wise (ok I didn't decide it was wise so much as I flippantly posted a status update without thinking that it would spark 1000 very reasonable questions from lovely caring friends) to post a status update about my recent neuropsychological testing that confirmed my suspicion that I had indeed acquired some brain damage after my bout of oxygen deprivation last August (see here if you have absolutely no idea what on earth I'm talking about).

Since my very slow (emotionally and cognitively) recovery last August I've been grappling with memory and 'brain' issues and my husband can attest to my complete lack of memory for seemingly inane things on a day to day level - like leaving the hose running for 5 hours and pretty much depleting our water tank, etc etc etc.....

So I recently chatted to an ex-housemate of mine who is now a paediatric neuropsych and so he suggested that I go and see a particular neuropsych who as it happens also operates out of Prince Charles so I was able to see him as an outpatient under Medicare - all the better as I know how much those pesky psychologists charge privately ;)

So I got a referral from my GP and managed to get in (very quickly as it happens... helps to know some people who know people) last Friday and had some follow-up testing today. OMG. To be on the other side of psych testing - hour after hour after hour of question after question after question... it was EXHAUSTING. I especially liked the point last Friday where I hit a wall (of fatigue and hunger and who knows what) when he gave me a list of 5 words and I was supposed to repeat them and I looked at him and had to say "I have absolutely no idea what you just said!!"

So anyway, memory tests, concentration tests, attention tests, intelligence tests.... and on and on and on. I even got to do a personality test but that was just to help out an intern who needed to add some psych testing to her internship hours.

First though I'm going to digress and explain why I really got this testing done - it wasn't just about the forgetting hoses or washing on the line or forgetting to return calls.... - it had a lot to do with work. I had quit my job early in the year after attempting to return and having an absolute panic attack about it. I've been struggling in some casual work ever since - and can't even explain why I'm struggling... I just can't seem to really focus on it at all. And I started to worry that my issues were psychological in terms of stress and anxiety and that perhaps I had unresolved issues regarding my cardiac arrest etc etc etc. So I guess I wanted to lay to rest - was this a physical/cognitive issue or one of anxiety/stress and a psychological nature.

And as it turns out, I have been completely vindicated in my decision to quit my job (I was a project manager by the way - attempting to keep 25 balls juggling in the air at any one time)..... turns out that I don't have memory problems per se. What I have are attention deficits.... this fluctuating ability to attend to things which means that I miss vast chunks of things that I'm told or am meant to be remembering - if I can't jumptstart myself to attend, then I can get it into my short term memory and we have not problems. If I zone on you.. then chances are I'm going to remember nothing you said (remember that people, it will be my ongoing excuse).
The other problem I have is with dual processing - attending to more than one thing at once - which explains my recent inability to listen to someone on the phone while listening to my daughter ask for a drink of water which results in me having an absolute meltdown out of proportion to the situation. Finally, while my executive functioning is still superior (their words not mine)... and apparently I'm still quite smart :) my processing time is lagging a little, which means that I can still get there, but it takes me longer. This is resulting in me getting a bit frustrated and anxious and stressed - raiising cortisone levels - and resulting in even poorer attention and round and round and round we go. He said he could sit there and watch me on tests and physically see me getting pissed at myself that I wasn't doing things as fast as I wanted and then BAM my performance would get even worse....

So... I have to go because my 4 year old won't stop talking to me and I can't focus on her and typing ;) ...... all in all I feel better. I feel better that I was right to quit a job that required HUGE amounts of dual processing and information processing in general.... I feel better that there is a reason that I forget to bring in the clothes off the line after 3 days..... all in all I just feel better.

There's not huge amounts they can do, but I have some strategies... and I'm armed with knowledge. More knowledge than I've had since this happened in August and for a type-a that's very important.

So there you have it people... I'm brain damaged but still bright ;) So you can put one over on me, but not for long... I'll figure it out eventually... it might just take me a bit longer.

Thanks everyone for the concern.

xo

Mine can talk to the strawberries

Charli: Mum, at school they teach us that if we talk to the plants they like it, and grow.
Me: Really? Are you sure? (seems a bit hippy for our childcare)
Charli: Yep (walks over to strawberry plant in pot we've not yet planted and says) - "Hi Strawberry, how you going? I like you....... don't die ok?"

Ok-aaaaay.

Where has the time gone.... really.

Dear Mum,
This post is for you, because I've been thinking of you so much lately. I don't know whether it's because Charlotte turns 4 tomorrow, or because I've been finding parenting so challenging lately, or just because I miss you so much at the moment. Whatever the reason, I wanted to let you know how things have been going lately.

Firstly let me start with your beautiful, if not challenging grand-daughters. Where to begin. I know that whatever I have to say about them.... if you were here with us today, you'd throw your head back and laugh and regale me with stories about me as a youngster. Mostly I know that when I moan and groan about the fact that neither of them ever shut - up you'd just laugh and tell me that was karma coming back to reap it's debt. I remember you saying that I learnt to speak at 2 and never shut up.... well sweetie, that's your grand-daughters - except I have 2 of them to deal with !!!

Charlotte, our beautiful first born, turns four tomorrow. And it is truly incomprehensible to me that this time 4 years ago I was sitting in front of the computer wondering if the inklings of pain in my belly were the beginnings of labour. So much seems to have happened since then. So much that I've not been able to share with you...

And Mackenzie.... oh dear sweet, evil Mackenzie :) She can laugh and play the clown until tears run down my cheeks. She also has no compunctions about standing there and screaming until blood runs from your ears if she does not get what she wants... or if Charli says something she disagrees with.... or if indeed the sky is not the exact shade of blue that she desires.... sigh. Blimey. No-one ever tells you about this side of parenting. Mum, you never said it was like this. You never told me that your soon-to-be-tomorrow 4 year old would stick her hip out, put her hand on it, and hold her hand up and say "Mum, that's not what I'm doing right now, please stop talking"... I mean Mother of God. How does one deal with that? Some days I throw things. Some days I laugh. I'm trying to capture the 'laughter' days more than the 'throw things' days :)

We've moved into our new house and I think you'd really like it. Well you'd like the yard. The house I know you'd take one look at it and bemoan how much time it will take to keep it clean... which is what I do on a daily basis as it happens. As it happens I am turning into you, not surprisingly ;)
Most days I spend pottering in the garden, weeding, planting veg, the occasional flower for Charli, some succulents and drought hardy plants. Unlike you I do not do well with high-needs plants.... I'm too lazy. A relaxing hour for me now is watering the yard (without the children in tow) and I ponder all the times I remember you standing in the yard, watering the grass/gardens... and I know how much you would have hated current water restrictions in Brisbane ;)

So Mum, I know you know all the stuff that went on for us last year, my health and what not. I know you know this because I choose to believe that the only reason I am still here today is that there was an 'angel' on my shoulder that day. I don't know if it was you - or some 'essence' of you that was sent....but whatever it was, it's responsible for me being here to see my daughters' next birthdays and for that I'm eternally grateful. So last year's antics resulted in me wanting to 'tie up some loose ends with my life'....... and so I contacted Dad.

I can't explain why I needed to except that I never got around to telling him about your death, and the fact that I'd never heard from him after a couple of attempts at contacting him when I was a teen just left me feeling 'empty'.... like I needed to make contact even though I knew if my heart of hearts it would amount to nothing. So I contacted him.

It didn't go so well. I emailed him (after finding his email on Google) to ask about family health issues. I said that while I respected his decision not to have contact with me that I thought he at least owed me some family health history given what I'd been through (and given that I had two daughters to think of now). He emailed back (the next morning which shocked me) with some family history that doesn't seem relevant which is good to know I guess.... and then said he'd call me on Monday. I freaked. I realised I wasn't ready for contact. I worded a very careful email that suggested that if he didn't want any further contact with me and was only going to call to re-iterate what he said in his email, then he shouldn't call me. I wasn't ready for rejection, for some cold phone call that ended with him saying he didn't want to ever see me ... I mean I knew that was the case, somehow I knew - I mean if he'd wanted to find me before now he could have right?..... so I told him not to call. ..... ...... ...... and he called. 9.40 on a Tuesday morning he called. After me coming to grips with never speaking to him because he hadn't called Monday... he goes and calls Tuesday and sends my world into a spin. and you know what we talked about Mum... camping, and drinking red wine.... and family health. Mum, I honestly don't understand - why did you spend your life loving this man who seems so shallow to me now. This man who did not respond to me letting him know that you'd died. This man who acknowledged that he has a wife and 2 18-year old twin boys (my brothers!!) who know nothing of me. I don't understand. I was so stunned during the phone call that the ANGER I felt towards this man... my father... did not hit me until about an hour later. I was shaking. I cried. How could he not at least conjure up the words "I was sorry to hear about your Mum".... was he so emotionally stunted that he couldn't even do that? This is a man that you bore a child with .... ME.... and whom you were with for 7 years. I decided after that phone call that I wanted nothing more to do with that man unless he decided to tell his family about me (which I knew he wouldn't) as I couldn't be a party to such .... what is the word.??? I can't even think. The betrayal ... of you... of the life you lived together for 7 years..... words fail me. He is weak and I have no respect for him and it pains me to say that because I know you spent your life alone because you never stopped loving him... and until the day I die I will not understand why.

I'm sorry to have made this such a 'downer' letter to you mum... it was meant to be a celebration of your grand-daughter's birthday tomorrow..... so let me shake off this melancholy..... life goes on. Your beautiful, if not talkative, grand-daughter speaks of you often. You are grandma to her - although I know you alwasy wanted to be Nanna - but Grandma you are. And nothing stops me dead in my tracks faster than on the numerous occasions when she does something new and I ask her where she learned that..... and she turns to be with her big blue innocent eyes and says "Your mum taught me that yesterday".... and just for a moment... i can feel my heart stop....

I love you
Your loving daughter
xoxox

Blogging Drought... again

I'll blog soon, I promise. Lots to update you all on..... Liza, email me again on Monday if I forget... I PROMISE I'll blog soon
xoxoxox

One minute I could kill her and then....

So I'm sitting here at 10pm mucking about on the computer because my 3 year old is going through one of her "I'm never tired" phases. I blew my stack (I'm trying to get some work done for a tomorrow deadline) and said "Okay, watch telly but DON'T SAY A WORD" because quite frankly I needed her to stop interrupting me with requests for water, needs to go to bathroom, desire to have a different book by her bed.... all delaying tactics if ever I've seen them. So after about 30 minutes of silence I hear:

"Mum I've been really quiet have I?"
"Yes Charli you have"
(pause)
"Well, now I think it's time to discuss the beach tomorrow. What do you think we should take? I think pyjamas. And toothbrushes. And toothpaste - will they have toothpaste? ....."

and on and on she went..... I shut down my work with a sigh. What's the bleedin' point?

It's kind of sad....

how little is expected of other people in the way of courtesy. While shopping for groceries this morning (don't even get me started on the $400 bill!!), I was getting out a trolley and noticed a lady walking towards me, as she approached the trolleys I offered her the one I had and then grabbed another one - I mean I was standing right there!!! She was soo grateful..said I had done my good deed for the day. I said thank you but suggested that I could probably do a little better than that for a good deed. Really people - this is all it takes to make people happy while going about their daily chores - just a little courtesy, nothing much. It sort of makes me sad that such a small gesture is even considered a 'good deed' rather than just a common courtesy.

The walls are built... and my vegie patch will soon be a reality!!

You shouldn't send emails when you've been drinking....

Cause I've just sent my father an email. Despite numerous attempts to contact him over the years (and knowing that he must have received the letters) and getting no response, I considered it wise to send him an email at 10pm on a Wednesday night (having found his email address on Google of course) asking him for medical information because I thought it only fair given I'd suffered an unexplained Cardiac Arrest last August and could tell no-one my medical history (mum's adopted, dad did a runner)... so there you go. Drunken confessions on a Wednesday night - I'll be sure to keep you all updated...