Full stop. The end.

Well sorry Beck, but I just had to steal your title - it seems so fitting at this point. Today I left my job. I had my farewell lunch, pocketed my Ella Bache gift voucher (thanks guys ;)) and I got in my car and came home. Granted I had celebratory drinks with a friend planned but those plans went a little pear-shaped so I came home instead. of course on the way I stopped and bought many dollars worth of new skin care, make up, and tanning lotions and hair colours.... all in the name of retail therapy you understand (despite being happy to leave my current job I still felt a little lost nonetheless) - and when I told the lady chemist that I'd just left my job - she threw in heaps more make up for free (or perhaps because I'd just spent enough money to pay the rent on their premises for another month, who knows).

Nonetheless, my days at Company X are over. Four and half years of my life with quite frankly, not as much to show for it as I would have hoped - however, many wonderful and beautiful friendships were forged, and isn't that - at the end of the day - much more important than getting published in international journals? I think I need to remind myself of that a little more. Remind myself that it's just a job and that while it needs to be rewarding so that I have the motivation to turn up each day - my life when I die should not be measured by the number of publications I received in high impact journals. I want to be remembered for the friendships I forged, for my generous spirit (which I feel has been sadly lacking lately as I've allowed myself to become bogged down in the drudgery of life), for my laughter and my ability to make friends feel good about themselves. I want to be remembered for being a mum who knows how to laugh rather than screech at her kids for getting water on the floor. I want to be remembered as a loving wife and not one who has forgotten how to laugh off the things that really don't matter. For this reason and many more, I'm excited about my move to leave Company X. It is time for a fresh start. While the decision to leave was not my own (my contract was not to be renewed but I'm not going to dwell on that un-pleasantness), the decision to resign immediately rather than wait until I had no job to go to, the decision to leave with a smile on my face and take up a new position elsewhere - these were my decisions and ones that I'm glad that I made.

So despite my blogging drought I hope to blog a little more lately. My darling Mackenzie is growing so fast and Charlotte is, as ever, a little personable being filled with questions and answers. Next blog will be devoted to them - the angels in my life for whom I am constantly grateful, and who deserve a mummy who is happy with herself. New Year's Resolution (made early because why wait until January when a fresh start is happening right now): to live life to the fullest, enjoy family and friends, and learn to laugh off those things (and people) in life that are just not worth giving yourself an ulcer about.

Isn't it ironic.

You know that song by Alanis Morisette? That feels a little like my life lately. I especially draw your attention to the bridge section of the song that goes like this:

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

Sneaking up on me when I think everything's going right huh? More like ambushing me from a really high place and taking a crap all over me more like it. I'm trying to figure out who I've wronged as I have some major bad karma happening at the moment. Allow me to elaborate.

The Kitchen Debacle

A few weeks ago on a Friday morning I leave to take the girls to the playcentre and meet up with some friends and their kids ...... I return at about lunchtime with toddler and baby both asleep having not had lunch (always poor planning on my part because it means a short nap because they wake hungry) - to discover a veritable waterfall coming from our kitchen ceiling. I stand there dumbfounded - unable to quite believe what I'm seeing and not quite comprehending where the water is coming from given the drought. I then realise the solar hot water system must have shat itself.
Meanwhile our optusnet connection is out and I'm left wondering how to look up plumbers' numbers as in my de-cluttering phase I threw out hard copies of all the phone books. At this stage I've called Dave's mobile and work numbers about 10 times but he's not answering. Charli wakes screaming and I'm nearly in tears. The kitchen by this time is flooded and I can't quite figure out what to try and save first.

I finally think to look through the local paper that had been delivered the previous day and find myself a plumber who can come out ASAP. Scott rocks up about 3pm that afternoon and by the time Dave gets home he's ascertained that rats (yuck!) have eaten threw the piping and he's been unable to find a replacement piece of pipe (our local tradelink didn't stock it) - so he clamped it and was able to turn the water back on and said he'd be back next week with the part to fix it properly..... right, so we set about cleaning up. Takeout for dinner.

The following morning, Dave wakes me at 7am (much to my horror because it was meant to be my sleep in day) - and says we have a problem. I can hear water falling in the kitchen again and my heart sinks. Clearly (so we thought) - Scott's stop gap measure did not work. So I take the girls up to a friend's house for an early breakfast as the kitchen is unuseable, appliances such as the jug and kettle were saturated so I couldn't even boil water for Zie's breakfast and it was all just too hard trying to explain to Charli that she couldn't play in the disgusting water falling from the ceiling. Dave stays to call the plumber.

Mother-in-law comes to get Charli about 11am and the plumber also turns up. Turns out the rats waited until the plumber left and ATE SOME MORE HOLES... so his fix was fine - it's just more rats ate more holes. He fixes that pipe, turns the water back on, finds another leak and so on and so forth.......
Connie leaves with Charli, Dave and I set about letting everything dry and then start cleaning up. Just as I'm thinking of going to get Charli, water starts falling from the ceiling again (you've got to be freaking kidding me right? I hear you say...). Call the plumber who comes out (at this point I was in total denial about just how big his bill was going to be)..... and he has to set up some temporary piping OUTSIDE the house so that if rats eat through it at least it won't drip through the ceiling. Meanwhile, the insurance won't cover any of the plumbing costs - only the water damage.

Life 1 : Carla 0

The PhD - The Jury is back in

As for my PhD, the news is not good really. I'm still feeling really raw about the whole thing and quite in shock. Reviewer A, while making some comments regarding how it could be bettered when I publish (which he encouraged me to do), pretty much used the terms "an important contribution to the field", "addresses gaps in the current literature in this field" and ticked the box recommending me for a Dean's commendation. Exciting huh? Great ego boost? Well wait there's more.... and unfortunately it is not a free set of steak knives.

Reviewer B, in a nutshell, thought it was not worthy of a PhD standard, ticked "revise and resubmit" and seems to have some bee in his bonnet about the fact that I didn't do any independent research or data collection (I did all of this myself, data collection, conceptualisation, everything - so I'm not sure where he got that idea). So it had to go to an adjudicator, who has been a gem about the whole thing (I was pretty much in tears of despair on his shoulder having decided that if I had to do a major revise and resubmit I was quitting.....) and has said that while I have to write a letter addressing each of this examiner's comments, I don't have to necesarily take on board all of the comments, nor do I have to go through the examination process again - as long as the adjudicator signs off on my response letter.

Everyone keeps saying - "oh well that's good, not as bad as it could be then?". But really, it doesn't really feel great either. It's all just a bit of a nightmare really - 9 months after submission and it's still not looking like I'll graduate this year either.... I'm over the entire thing and not even sure what I want to do with my life. I keep telling myself once I get the PhD out of the way I can focus on a career direction...... but I don't even have a future at my current place of employment, which brings me to my next point.....

running score: Life 2: Carla 0

I'm sorry - do you work here?

I had big plans for 2008 work-wise. I was thinking about increasing my days to 3 per week. I was going to ask for funding to present a paper in Bondi in February next year... and quite frankly if it wasn't in the budget I was going anyway. Professional development (aka tax write-off) and all that.......I was going to network my arse off and perhaps make some connections for the future.

However, as of Tuesday last week, I've been told that I don't have a job past the end of the year as no part-time positions are being accommodated for in the current budget plans. So I've pretty much just been told to start looking for work elsewhere - really fits in with the 'family friendly' award they just won doesn't it? The bit I really don't get is how much I've been pushed to finish my PhD over the last 2 years and then they also grant me leave of absence for 4 months last year so I could complete it - right before I also had to take 6 months off to have a baby. And now I'm back on board with no more babies in our future and thus no more leave of absences from work..... committed to staying with them and they decide this is the time to say 'adios'? It makes no sense.

Life 3: Carla 0

But then - well sometimes life just hands you one. Yesterday after much deliberating about when we were going to put the girls in the one bedroom, we decided to take the plunge. There were many reasons for us wanting them to be in the one room.....and Charli's obvious reason of it will be easier to boss Mackenzie around if she's close by ALL THE TIME. But mostly it's really hot in the front room and from memory, Charli (when she was in that room) didn't sleep for about the 6 months that is summer here in Queensland. What possessed me to all of a sudden yesterday declare that THIS was the day it should happen I'll never know. Maybe it was because, let's face it, in four days we leave on a weekend away WITH NO KIDS. And I figured that if the first four days didn't go well, at least I'd have 2 days to recover and re-group before coming home to more pain.

My biggest concern of course was NEITHER of them ever sleeping. It took us close to two years to get Charli to sleep through - and with Zie still MONTHS off finishing teething (given she hasn't even sprouted one yet... well I could envisage much pain ahead of us with Zie waking Charli and Charli waking Zie and so on and so forth....

But you know what? Last night FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ...... OH ...... EVER Zie slept from 6pm til 4am (for a quick feed) and then through til 6am. Charli did not wake up at the 4am feed. When Zie woke at 6am, Charli still looked tired so Dave suggested she go back to sleep AND SHE DID for another hour. Meanwhile, let me re-iterate - Zie slept for 10 hours without needing my attention. Sure, I heard her wake about 4 times during the night and cry out - but obviously the snoring emanating from the nearby bed was comfort enough and I was allowed to spend a straight 6 hours without leaving my bed.

So there you go. Sometimes life just kicks you while you're down. Other times it just hands you one on a plate. Now the cynic in me might suggest that life is just building me up for another fall. But hey, I'm not the cynical type. Right guys? Guys??


Life 3: Carla 1 (and committed to evening the score)

A change is as good as a holiday...so they say.

Well I don't know about that... I think I would rather a holiday. This didn't quite work out the colour that Dave and I expected.... still, it will make a nice change not having to touch up my roots every 3 minutes!! My hair grows so fast since I've had kids.

Sprung

Dave walks into the lounge room to find Charli - having gone through the drawer with all of our electronic equipment including old mobile phones - with a mobile plastered to her ear, yammering away to someone.

Dave: Charli, what are you doing? (sternly as she isn't meant to go into that drawer)

Charli: (looks up in surprise, turns back to the phone and whispers...) I'll call you back. (throws the phone back in the drawer and turns back to Dave with a 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' look.

Dave (leaves the room in stitches).

She may as well just have been born 14 years old....

28 months later ...

Dear Charli girl,
Darling girl, today you turned 28 months old and you are growing up too fast. Life with you of late has been interesting to say the least. About a week ago you turned into adorable girl, the weeks leading up to that.... well let me just say that you have a temper on you when you choose to :)

You and I took Zie on her first beach holiday to Marcoola with Meegan and Owen and it was a delightful weekend. You are such a little caregiver and you are alway looking out for others and especially love looking after your little sister. I try not to encourage too much caregiving behaviour as I don't want you to feel too much responsibility at the tender age of 2 - but your caring nature comes naturally and you are quick with a hug and a kiss when Zie (or sometimes Mummy!) is crying.

It turns out you are quite the cook and this morning you made scones for Aunty Bekk and Matt (aka Map - I think you truly think he is Map from Dora Spora). I tried to help with the scones but you insisted on doing most of it yourself - while they did resemble scones that had in fact exploded, they were very tasty and at this rate I may just hang up my apron and allow you to take over cooking duties soon.

You have discovered the art of procrastination - and the favourite is to ask for endless cuddles and kisses when your Daddy and I are trying to coax you to go to sleep. It's difficult to get cranky at you when you use this ploy - how does one get cranky when you look up at me and say "more kisses mummy?"...... You really do know how to play the game quite well though - and it scares me that you are quite good at it at 2. Your favourite is to push all my buttons, totally rile me up, then goad me even further by patting me patronisingly and saying "it's alright mummy" when I'm going cranky at you for doing something you are not meant to. Just as I think my eyeball is going to explode from the stress of parenting such an independent and strong-willed little girl, you put your arms around my neck, say "I lub you mummy" and ask if we can do 'bu-fly kisses'....... how can I compete with that?

You love your food and I thank the universe each and every day for this as I don't think I have the patience for a fussy eater. We are still waiting for those 2 year old molars to come through - I suspect they are waiting for me to have a really important week at work or something and then they will make their appearance - giving us no sleep or peace for about 2 weeks on end.

Darling girl, we love you - but I must dash now and end this letter as there is ironing to be done, dinner to prepare and a mountain of other things that I must do before you wake from your nap. As much as you love to help me with all of these things, it truly is best if you don't ;)

All my love,
Mummy
xoxo

Where has the time gone my darling....

Dear Mackenzie Grace,
It is hard to believe that nearly 8 months ago you blessed our lives with your smiles. And you truly are our smiley girl. Even in the midst of tears, when your tummy hurts or I'm just taking way too long to get food to you, you always have a smile for us. And speaking of food, don't you just love it? From the moment it was introduced to you about 2.5 months ago, you took to eating like a duck to water. With a couple of tongue thrusts you soon learnt that you were wasting precious food doing that and soon learnt to just devour anything in sight. Some have commented that you seem ready for a good old steak with a side of vegetables and they are not far wrong. Granted, we should probably puree the meat, but there are some days when you seem to be having a growth spurt when I suspect that you would make light work of a T-bone steak despite not having any chompers just yet.


You are now sitting quite well, though your desperation to reach objects just out of your grasp sometimes means that you fall flat on your face with your legs still out in front of you. This makes me wince as it's been years since I've had that level of flexibility - I suspect if I tried that now my child-bearing hips may just simply crack into two piece. But you just roll over and keep trying to get hold of whatever it was that took your fancy in the first place - usually with a giggle or two along the way.

And giggle - your sister and you are a right royal pair when you get going. Charli's favourite pastime when it comes to playing with you is the take the edge of the fisher price swing and swing you as high as it will go - or alternatively bounce you in your bouncing car until I suspect that the mountains of food you just devoured are about to erupt like Mt Vesuvius. The first time I caught her doing this I just about died of fright - but it's difficult to tell her that she shouldn't do it because you don't like it when - right in front of me - you make a liar of me and giggle at Charli while giving this look that says "don't listen to Mum, I'm having a marvellous time". Charli turns to me and says "Zie likes it"..... how to argue with that. The two of you run rings around your father and I already ...... it's frightening.

You love to sing (i.e. squeal really loudly) - and love to be sung to - by your sister of course - not me or your father. She loves to sing you "Dora Spora (Explorer)" and she's no doubt already planting the dora obsession into your pretty little head - which is probably just as well because it's plainly obvious that you are going to be forced to watch hours of Dora Spora as the years go by. Still if this relieves me of Dora watching duties then sorry babe, but I'm all for it.

While you are not yet crawling yet, you may as well be. I cannot leave you for a second - the other day I dared to go and pee for 2 seconds while you were on the floor and on my return you were under the coffee table. Not at all bothered by this fact, you just giggled when I had to get down on hands and knees and drag you out.

Zie you have brought us such delight over the past months and you are such a placid easy-going little girl. Your Dad and I look forward to the coming months of crawling, learning to walk and those first delightful words that will come out of your mouth - and I don't mean the vocalisation of dada that your Daddy claims was his name but really we both just know it's the first thing that ALL babies say - but we'll let him enjoy that moment ;)

Love Mummy
x

A mirror image of my life

for those of you who don't already read her blog - this woman's life could be a mirror image of my own at the moment.

Mummy meltdown

Well it finally happened. That day that was bound to happen when everything just hit me. That day was yesterday. Out of the blue. Like these moments usually do - to catch you off guard. I had Owen's second birthday party to be at by 2pm at Wynnum. 2pm. I mean it's not like it was first thing in the morning. However I had been awake most of the night with a little Zie who has decided that she must be fed every 1.5-2hours and it's killing me. Add that to the fact that it's been going on for a few nights so I was sleep deprived, Dave starts his new job soon and I know that as wonderful as that is it is going to be a stressful transition, I didn't get the job I want so I have to return to my job in 8 days (and counting), Charli is being an inquisitive 2-year old - constantly asking questions and back chatting us, Mum's birthday was on Thursday (she would have been 60)...... well it all just added up to a day when everything just went BLAAAAH. Suddenly this weight just hit me. The thought of trying to get Charli and Zie both fed lunch and dressed, and me dressed (I was still in my pjs at 11am).......it's hard to explain to anyone who has never had 2 kids and been sleep deprived - and by anyone, I mean you have to be the mummy. Because I'm still not convinced that any man has half a clue as to how hard this all is.... I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it's just the way it is.

Anyway, so the breaking point was my lovely little Zie would not stop rolling and I couldn't get her pants on her.... and bam. I am curled up on the bed next to my naked baby crying and sobbing and wondering just how easy it would be to hurt one of them. It's hard to admit that here on a public forum, but I'm going to.... because I think that people are all too quick to gloss over the hardships of parenthood sometimes. I mean, I would never have comprehended how someone could possibly even consider harming their children - before I had kids and hadn't slept properly in over a week. Then the reality was all too close to home.

Then the real kicker. The event to really make me feel guilty as hell for being human and crying? Darling two-year old Charli, inquisitive and caring, comes in, gets up on the bed, starts patting me and questioning "what's wrong mummy? you sad? it's okay."..... over and over and over again. I tried to smile through the tears. Tried to tell myself that no small child should have to see their mummy totally lose it on a Saturday afternoon when in reality we were meant to be going to a party. So I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed and we went to the party. It's a blur. Charli seemed to have a good time - and a big thank you to Shaz who spent most of the afternoon running around after her as I just didn't have the energy.

Anyway, driving home in a daze (Sharon informs me they were driving next to me the whole way home with the girls waving at me from their car and I didn't even notice them) hubby texts and says he's spoken to Mother-in-Law and Charli can stay there for the night. So feeling guilty again I drop her over there and she is now staying there until Monday morning. We had another bad night with Zie and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. Please no suggestions. We've tried them all. I'm not going down the path of controlled crying. I don't feel comfortable co-sleeping with her (I'm not opposed to it I just am so dog tired that I'm not game to), we will be trying the heater tonight, hubby tried giving her formula through the night to give me a break but she screamed for 45 minutes before he was forced to come in and reluctantly wake me to feed her, she's been wrapped, not wrapped, cuddled, burped, she's not in pain as she immediately falls asleep as soon as she comes in to bed with me and takes one suck of my boob... *sigh*..... she just wants her mummy and mummy desperately needs some alone sleep time. This time shall pass. And I'll look back and wonder where the time went. But right now the immediate future seems bleak and sleep deprived and tiring.

Parenthood - who'd do it right? I would. All over again. But just let me say "FUCK". Sometimes it's hard.

A lot to answer for....

My PhD examiner who never returned my PhD report that is. Why? I just lost out to another candidate for a postdoctoral position that I really really really wanted. Why? Because this other candidate had their PhD already and yours truly does not. Otherwise I was an exceptional candidate for the job, 'very employable', good experience, fantastic project management skills... blah blah blah. It was actually hard to hear all the positive praise but then still be told I was unsuccessful. Oh well, what's the Zen response to all of this? Perhaps it is best that Dave and I are not both starting new jobs at the same time........ as he was successful in securing a new role that starts next Thursday - yay for hubby.

Library opening hours

After having read Meegan's blog regarding having no books to read that haven't been read 1000 times before - and then having a couple of other people respond in the positive to my comment about borrowing books from me - well it occurs to me that we need to organise some sort of book library/swap amongst us all. No reason as far as I can see either, why people interstate should not be able to join us in this. Some of my books I will want back. Others can just continue on in the great book swap of life. So I'm not sure how to get started with this. Do I list some of my top 10 most owned authors? Do I let you all know the genre I like and see if it's up your alley? Suggestions are most welcome regarding how we can expand our reading potential without having to fork out $29.95 for a book that takes me 48 hours to read (edit. well they used to only take me that long to read. Now thanks to two children and being able to usually only read about 2 pages uninterrupted, it does tend to take a little longer to complete a novel these days).

Childhood memories

Hello dear readers,
Today I am ordering books from Amazon.com....... I am trying to find all of those wonderful books that I remember from my childhood. And we're ordering them for our kids...

Lowly worm books by Richard Scarry
Where the wild things are
Enid Blyton's the Magic Faraway Tree series
Raggedy Ann's Cooking School (I have this on tape with my mum reading it to me :))

So in an attempt to cut down on shipping costs - if anyone in Brisbane would like to order any books for their little ones - special books that they remember from their childhoods... let me know.

Miscellaneous memories

• Mackenzie played peekaboo with me the other night after her bath. Pulling the towel she was wrapped in over her face and then pulling it down and belly-laughing as I yelled 'boo' repeatedly for about 5 minutes

• Today while making breakfast a glass cutting board fell onto the bench and I waited with bated breath for it to shatter while exclaiming "SHIT".... Suddenly from behind me I hear "shit" from my two-year old. I turn horrified - sure that it was Dave who was going to be the first to corrupt her ever-burgeoning vocabulary.... but no. " No charli, mummy said 'shoot' like we 'shoot' with your toy cap gun, you know? shoot" "no mummy, shit" she exclaims. I sigh. I turn and resume pouring milk over cereal, intent on the task of ignoring her expletives, fervently praying that she will not still be chanting 'shit' in 2 hours when we go over to my parents-in-law. I look at her sideways, trying to see whether she will say it again. She eyes me back sternly and proclaims "you mummy, naughty".... I leave the room laughing

• My face being spattered with rather saliva-ry sweet potato as Zie, after tasting her first mouthful of food, rolls it around her tongue until the food is good and truly wet and then blows a raspberry at me, right as I lean in to ask "do you like it?"..... she found it rather funny to say the least. My two baby girls - a laugh a bloody minute :)

• Me going into charli's room after a ten minute session of yelling when she is meant to be sleeping only to have her say 'charli (a)wake mummy - park?'..... I've learnt my lesson about saying "when you wake up we'll go to the park"... sigh. Literal bloody beings aren't they?

• Zie's first 'words' - dada - at the tender age of 5 months....... just like her sister. I already envision a future in which Dave and I have to have earplugs surgically inserted into our ears to prevent them from bleeding - being exposed to 2 little girls aged 2 and 4 who talk from sun-up to sundown - enough to make anyone's ears bleed..... it's lucky that sometimes it's nice things like "I lub you mummy" - the new one from charli.

• And finally today, all dressed up to go to lunch - just in jeans and a tanktop but looking rather slim and hot if I do say so myself ;) charli declares me 'pretty', races for her toy camera and says "picture you mummy? cheese!!" And its moments like that that make it all worth it people :)
  

About the day I used up the previous 24 hours of rain

Well at least dear readers, that is how it felt in my moment of guilt lying there under my vichy shower, enjoying my 90 minutes of pampering at Mummabubba. Mummabubba is a day spa for mummies - "makes proud mothers into beautiful mothers" is their motto - and while I don't think I came out any more beautiful - my god did I come out feeling rejuvenated. I had the mineral wrap body rejuvenator. Start off with someone giving your tired winter skin a good rubbing over with a sea salt scrub. Then this is washed off with a vichy shower - a shower head that is so aerated it feels like silk being poured over your skin...... then a mineral mud pack was lathered over my entire body and the lid of the 'bed' I was lying on was closed. this bed had multiple water jets both under my body and above and suddenly my entire being was being massaged with these jets of water. While I will admit that the jets of water to my feet was reminiscent of some form of WWII water torture (okay so I'm not keen on foot massages either) - the rest of it was heavenly (and I learnt later that I could have asked for the foot bit to be turned off so I know that for next time!!). Meanwhile, while being massaged with warm water jets, the inside of this vichy shower bed was also filling with steam - in essence it was like being in a sauna and spa at the same time. Oh and did I mention that during this 24 minutes of water heaven, my lovely consultant was giving me a scalp massage? Really, wine and steak on Monday, Vichy shower rejuvenation on Thursday... I'm not sure I've had a week like this in ......oh I don't know - since about pre-July 2004 when i first got myself knocked up and all this fun of parenthood began ;)

My goal for the rest of the year? To visit this divine kingdom of mother pampering at least once a month. Stay tuned to see if it happens.....

Why today was a good day.

1. I went to work on my own - without the girls - solo..... to discuss some handover issues with the person who has been doing my job.

2. Mackenzie's first time without me went exceptionally well, she drank from a cup, she fed from a spoon, she slept well. the only downside? I discovered just how much milk I'm going to have to milk from myself to keep her fed for one entire work day. Lord!!!

3. On my return home, both girls have fallen fast asleep allowing me to get on with writing a job application for a postdoctoral position I want to apply for (oh and to update my blog ;)

4. Super A-mart called to let me know that our couch - which was an expected 3-6 weeks away - can be delivered tomorrow. I'm not going to tell Dave this, I'm going to let it be a surprise for when he gets home. Of course, if he reads this it won't be a surprise but I think he bored of my blog weeks ago......

5. And last but not least, while doing handover we decided to go to lunch (after my phone call to my mother-in-law confirmed that all was well with the small people) - and I got to eat a steak, on my own, solo - without a baby at my boob or a toddler poking her fingers in my food to check whether or not it was hot. And I drank a glass of red wine. Steak and wine and no kids. I swear it doesn't get better than this. Having kids has made me - if nothing else - appreciate the small things in life - you know, like being able to pee without a running commentary from a 2-year old ;)

Roly poly girl

Well, my little second born muffin has one up on her sister in the smart stakes :) Not only is she rolling a month earlier than Charli ever did, but she realises that she can sleep on her tummy - something that caused Charli great distress when she first learnt to roll

Dreamworld!

Well as Sharon and Meegan have already mentioned - last Friday was a day at Dreamworld for a group of (insane) mothers and our (even more insane) children......personally Charli, Zie and I made it as far as Yatala before I had to stop before I either killed Charli or myself..... she wanted out, I need to pee.... it was a recipe for a not so calm car trip..... we were running a bit early so we stopped..

We decided to skip the Wiggles concert - I took one look at the crowds and just couldn't bear it. Here are some photos.




All in all a superb day - as far as it can be with two small kids at a theme park... I am working on making Charli my 'rides' partner (dave doesn't like them) - we rode the carousel twice, that chair ride on chains that swings out (?) she loved it!!! squealed and hung on for dear life... :) we went on the big red car and dorothy's tea cups - round and round and round until Mummy thought she would throw up LOL.... but you know what really made the day worthwhile.....??? ... tucking her into bed that night, she was a little crazy and it took a while to calm her down ;) she put her arms around me and FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME said "I lub you".... :) now if that doesn't make it all worthwhile I don't know what does

......however, here I am two days later - incredibly sleep deprived thanks to a baby who has taken 48 hours to stop being wired from the Dreamworld experience (picture trying to feed Zie under an umbrella in Wiggles World while songs by Anthony, Greg, Murray and Jeff blared out from a loudspeaker.....I don't think Zie blinked for about 24 hours she was so wired!!). Also thanks to Charli I've been awake since 4am. I've got my money on those nasty two-year old molars coming through. For her sake it better be teeth. If this is some permanent behaviour that is manifesting we are in deep trouble. She wakes up bouncing and running around the living room like a chimpanzee doped up on speed and she doesn't stop moving and talking until we wrestle her into bed around 1pm for a nap... if we're lucky.

Every day has its ups and downs

Ups.

• Got half of the front garden mulched while Charli has been at her Nanny and Chandie's
• Zie has figured out how to roll!! I have missed it both times as she waits until I leave the room and I return to find her flipped onto her tummy. either that or the dog is flipping her over when I turn my back.
• I have been able to write a shopping list unaided by Charli - and to clean her room so I can see the floor. I will enjoy this state of order for the next hour until she returns home and has it all messed up again by the time she goes to bed :)

Downs.

• Well actually there is only one down. But it's a biggie. Huge in fact. The University has decided they can wait no longer (and fair enough too) and I have to find another examiner to examine my thesis. I am devastated. The silver lining is that the university are so concerned about how long this is taking (and no doubt the effect this is having on my mental health!!) that they are doubling the fee to the examiner IF they can return the report in LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS. This at least is an improvment on having to wait another 8-12 weeks. However, graduation in July is a hope of the past. So I'm pretty pleased that I had scrawled all over my calendar GRADUATION WEEK on the week beginning July 16. Maybe I can find some whiteout to get rid of that. sigh

Edited to add
As soon as I walked away and opened a can of diet coke it exploded in my face. So there is another down. And as Libby will know, this 'bad' is a bit self-perpetuating according to The Secret so I should stop writing about bad things and 'attracting' even more bad things..... but then what is the fun of a blog if I can't vent :)

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mum,
It has once again been a bittersweet day for me. With two beautiful princesses to call my own on this Mother's Day I still shed tears that you aren't here for me to spoil. I lay in bed last night, remembering all the mother's days of the past.

When I was in Grade 2 and we were all allowed to buy a gift from the stall that had been set up at school. All items were donated and cost 50c or less and you became the proud owner of a very large plastic orange serving spoon. Oh lucky you. :)

The year I purchased with my very own money (with a little help from my godparents no doubt) a tiny china plate, saucer and teacup with I Love You Mummy written on it.

And years later, when you had hinted to me that you weren't that fond of breakfast in bed so I used to get up early and go out to the kitchen and set the table and make you a pot of tea (leaf tea, none of this tea bag stuff for my mum!!) It's funny when I think about it now that I used to cook you breakfast... the only day of the year you'd eat breakfast. In all the years we lived together I never saw you eat breakfast, not even cereal, except for on Mother's Day!! The things we do for our children .... as I'm sure the coming years will teach me.

The poems I wrote. The cards I made. You treasured them all.......when I get cranky with my kids, I remember the love you always had for me and I try to be a little more patient with them. You are my hero mum, you always will be. I love you. Your grand-daughters love you. I miss you mum.

Love Carla

There is no title to describe this day.

Hello dear readers,

My feral darling child number one did not improve after her stint at Kinder Gym yesterday and so began a day of me drugging her with Calm - a naturopathic remedy that is supposed to reign in your child before they turn into the devil incarnate....... trust me..... today it did not work. In fact by 4pm I was ready to try some of the stuff myself. My thought process being that if it did not calm her, perhaps if I took it I at least would not care that she was breaking everything she touched, screaming no at every opportunity, and generally behaving in a way that would possess me to give her away should anyone be foolish enough to want her in her current mood.

Some home products for the bathroom turned up - general storage stuff that warrants assembly. Charli was very um... 'helpful' in putting it together with me and Dave arrived home in time to rescue Charli from mummy putting her into the box the goods arrived in and packing her off with the courier...... (breathe....)

My supervisor called. I have been awaiting my examiner's reports for five months now.... do you hear me people??? Five bleedin' months. I bust a gut getting this PhD done in 16 weeks, while hugely pregnant and the requisite 8 week waiting period for examination comes.... and goes... and with it, any hope of graduating in July. Today I find out two things that make this even worse.

1. The thesis office have now decided they can wait no longer. In 7 days if this examiner's report is not back, they go out to another examiner and I get to start the waiting all over again

If this is not enough to warrant tears I then get a phone call from a friend who submitted her thesis 6 weeks after me. Not only did she get both reports back today but she has no changes to make..... please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for her. This is every PhD student's dream.... NO CHANGES..... but today of all days, I am jealous, angry, disappointed beyond description. You see we were meant to graduate together in July..... after both being enrolled for nearly 9 years we both finally submitted at the same time..... and graduation together was the final prize but alas it is not to be. I am shattered. I am drinking Baileys. I may not stop at one.

Today lots of nice things happened. I'm sure they did. I'm sure Mackenzie was blowing bubbles so hard she looked like she was rabid and foaming at the mouth. At some stage I'm sure I spotted Charli lying next to Zie holding her hand while they watched Dora together. Today I should be thankful for a loving husband, two beautiful daughters and the fact that we are all healthy. But today dear readers I don't feel like being generous, I just feel like feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow I promise will be another day.... a better day...... a day filled with more laughter than crying....... but for tonight, a couch meant for wallowing beckons me.

Baking that carrot cake

I would like to point out to people that Charli will not eat eggs..... please note what she does with the whisk covered in raw egg!!!