So yesterday I head for Chermbleside (as my 3 year old calls it) and treat myself to a haircut and colour at a fancy schmancy hairdresser that I've never been to before. I already knew that they cut was going to cost me in the vicinity of $80 but I sucked it up and decided not to worry about it - after all, it has been 6 weeks since my 'incident' (that is how we refer to it now) and I've done nothing but watched movies and cleaned the house - hardly a cent has been spent on recuperating in style. So I get my hair cut by the 'stylist' and then I am introduced to the 'colorist' (Oh lord, this is starting to sound expensive. We gab for awhile (not surprisingly he's gay) and then we discuss my colour options and he goes away and gets me a quote and comes back with the magic number of 275...... dollars people!! not yen!!! Now a sensible person not wishing to give themselves another cardiac arrest would have left uncoloured at that point but I still have a lot of work to do on my assertiveness skills and quite frankly I was struck dumb by the figure. I nodded and work began on the hair masterpiece. I settled in for the ride and started on my new Maeve Binchy book. After 2 hours of them fussing over foils and toners etc etc I was starting to get antsy - I had places to be!! But then I realised "where did I have to be really?".... my type-A personality was just going nuts at the thought of taking an entire day out to do nothing ........nothing..... don't you see. That's just wasting time. I could have been cleaning, or cooking, or buying new clothes for the kids, or paying bills or filing all the crap on my desk!! but here I was taking time for myself..... deep breaths.... I talked myself down into a more Type-B/Zen state and sat back and enjoyed the neck massage they were currently giving me. All in all the colour was ok, the cut was ok. It wasn't bad - I haven't had better but I've certainly had comparable hair experiences and most of them a quarter of the price....... by the time I got to the counter to pay, I took the hair care products they were offering me because hell, how much more expensive could this outing get........ let me tell you..... the final price for a fucking hairdresser appointment was $400!!!!!! Of course, that included the lovely shampoo and conditioner that cost $80 - I mean who freaking pays $80 bucks for shampoo? I zen-ned myself out to lunch (complete with a wine to calm my nerves) and sat thinking how glad I was that my husband never pays any attention to our credit card bills, never reads my blog (hi honey :) ) and trusting that his best friend who does read this blog will take pity on me and not breath a word of this to hubby. (thanks geoff)....
Just goes to show - even when I'm meant to be relaxing I can get myself into situations that would invoke a cardiac arrest in even the most mild-mannered person. What hope is there for me when I return to work???
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Type-A personality gets to review her life
Hello dear readers.
Well where to begin. Most of you will be aware by now of my life-changing (or so they say) experience on the 7th August. Much time has passed since then so let me walk you through it day to day.....
Thursday 7th August
On this particular Thursday I had been at work as usual and was picking the girls up from school. People keep asking me if I remember what I did that day, but you know how it is, one work day melts into another and who can say what you did on any particular day. Work has been stressful in the lead up to running our assessment clinics (which began on the 11th August) and I was lost in a see of database queries, mailouts and telephone reminders. It was hectic.....and let's be honest, I was loving it.
And that's the last thing I remember... well not even remember really, but that's the last thing that I did that was normal that week. After that it all went a bit pear-shaped apparently.
After picking the girls up, with Charli having climbed into her seat but not yet strapped in, with Zie still in my arms (so Charli tells me now), I had a cardiac arrest. I collapsed in the car park with Zie still in my arms - thankfully the childcare staff were having a staff meeting, so they were all still onsite - alerted by one of the many mums who were coming and going at that time of the day. Even more fortunately, an ambulance was only about 2 minutes up the road on its return to Prince Charles Hospital. The child care staff, and then the ambos were able to revivie me, although it took almost 20 minutes apparently and took me to Prince Charles Hospital (for those of you not in the know, that's Brisbane's Cardiac Hospital anyway so kind of fortuitous that it was just down the road.
I came through the ER (or in Australia we like to call it the DEM - Department of Emergency Medicine but I don't think that has the same ring to it - do you?) unresponsive but with a pulse and BP so I was chilled down to about 33.5 degrees and moved to the ICU. I was warmed about 12 hours later and by Sunday was able to hold a conversation that lasted for longer than 30 seconds at a time without repeating (think 50 First Dates except with the repeat button on 1/2 minute, not 24 hours!!)
I remember nothing of Thursday - Sunday. I don't remember trying to flee the hospital (ladies, unless you want the worst UTI of your lives I strongly recommend not tearing a catheter out in an attempt to leave a hospital rather quickly!!). I ripped canulas out of my arm and took off. Dave who had been taking a break out in the lounge returned to the ICU with staff saying they had lost me - he was rather nonplussed to say the least. Thereafter I had 24 hour guards on my door whenever family weren't visiting and apparently at one stage I was convinced that I was in the Winston Noble Unit (the psych ward at Prince Charles) - talk about paranoid. Clearly someone was slipping me some rather cool drugs that were having the unfortunate side effect of making me rather suspicious!! :) I like to think that I made a rather long-lasting impression on the ICU staff. After they'd had enough, they shipped me off to CCU (coronary care unit) - which is where I was when my memory returned.
Sunday 10th August
So by Sunday when Dave was visiting I was able to retain some information and learnt that an angiogram had revealed no signs of coronary heart disease (but did however give me a great bruise that covered my entire upper leg/crotch area - and I thought waxing was bad!!!). They had two theories at this point - my prolapsed mitral valve, which I had with no problems since I was about 7, started leaking quite badly, causing an arrhythmia which sent me into arrest OR Takotsubo syndrome, complicated by the leaky valve. As Dave pointed out in his email to friends, those o fyou who watch House may remember an episode with this syndrom in it.... Here is a link to a journal article which describes a case with a number of similarities to mine...and there's a Wiki (of course!!)
They started talking about a defibrillator - the valve having corrected itself meant that valve replacement was back on the shelf thank goodness - the longer I can put that off the better. However, this defibrillator thingy didn't turn out to be such a hoot either. But I was told I wasn't leaving hospital without it, so it became something that I longed for, just so that I could go home. An entire week later....... and D-Day arrived.
Monday 18th August
While my sis in law was visiting a nurse marched in with a surgisponge, asked it I'd yet showered today and upon receiving my negative response marched me to the shower, handed me the surgisponge with clear instructions and said they would be up to prep me for surgery within half an hour. Wow, for days I had been sitting there wondering if I'd have to go private in order to get this surgery done and the next thing, I've got no preparation at all and it's all systems go. Bekk called Dave to let him know and said not to bother coming up as I probably would have already gone and ..... off I went. ...... only to sit in pre-op/recovery for an hour. Glad I rushed that shower ;)
Apparently the surgery was to be conducted under 'light sedation'. the very term made me nervous. I clarified just what that meant and was assured I would not feel a thing. Whew....... well it must have just been a bad dream then that for the entire second half of the procedure I could feel them inserting the device, getting it into place, sewing me up, could hear them discussing that I was awake, what meds I'd had, and coming to the conclusion that I could have no more and that I would have to be fine. I'm glad that they had not prepared me for the possibility that I might feel something. Because you know, then I could have been prepared. Then I may have realised that what I could feel in fact was only pressure - instead, thinking that I wasn't meant to be feeling anything I panicked...and all of that converted into the sensation of pain, and the terrified thoughts that I could feel them in my chest cavity. Panic is a wonderful thing. I spent an hour in recovery trying not to cry - I was still so stunned. The nurse who had been in the op came to see me, I was so angry that I wouldn't even answer him when he asked me how I was. Yes... much better to treat patients as morons rather than tell them exactly what is going to happen.... much better. Anyway, I'd best get over it. Apparently the appalling shortage of anethetists in Brisbane mean that only serious operations get anethetists.... as a friend just pointed out - she got to have her wisdom teeth out under a general but apparently fitting a device into my heart...... pfft, just a local will do. Go figure.
Tuesday 19th August
As I knew would happen, anxious to have the bed for someone who needed it, I was turfed out on Tuesday (don't get me wrong, I was itching to get out of hospital, I just find it funny that I sat there all week waiting for the procedure and then I get turfed out within 24 hours of it happening). Dave decided that the girls should stay at his mum and dad's for one more night to allow me to settle in to home and then we'd get them the next day. I was torn. I was missing them heaps but also really nervous about suddenly having to look after them again. It was great to see them the next day, and especially great when Mackenzie started vomiting with the bug that Charli had had the previous week. My first week home has been spent being vomited on (Zie), coughed on (Charli), clung to (both of them) and generally not resting as much as I should have. But you know what? Life goes on, and with two little children under three, I laughed at the person who said I wasn't to use my left arm for 6 weeks.... oh okay.
Today
So where does all of this leave me? Well I don't know really. I don't remember it happening. I was essentially dead for a few minutes there but don't remember a white light, a euphoric moment, no epiphanies. I've been told this wasn't stress induced or due to my lifestyle (caffeine, exercise or diet) - so no reason to re-evaluate my life with respect to lifestyle choices. I've been told I can't drive for 6 months, so that's going to be fun. We've not yet figured out how I'm supposed to get the girls to daycare and then (post-October) get myself to work given that childcare is about 1km away and pushing a pram that far is beyond me... but maybe by October it will be ok.
So this just happened really. I had a really bad hair day. they don't know why. They stuck a device in my heart that will essentially kick-start it if it stops again. In the meantime I've lost a heap of independence. To be honest I'm still waiting for it all to hit me. To suddenly remember something and to break down crying and realising how close I came to dying. But so far that moment hasn't happened and maybe it won't. It feels odd though that something like this could happen and I could remember so little of it. Meanwhile Charli tells me every night how scared she was when I fell down and about how I had Zie in my arms when I fell. It will be something she remembers for a while I think and that saddens me more than anything.
Well where to begin. Most of you will be aware by now of my life-changing (or so they say) experience on the 7th August. Much time has passed since then so let me walk you through it day to day.....
Thursday 7th August
On this particular Thursday I had been at work as usual and was picking the girls up from school. People keep asking me if I remember what I did that day, but you know how it is, one work day melts into another and who can say what you did on any particular day. Work has been stressful in the lead up to running our assessment clinics (which began on the 11th August) and I was lost in a see of database queries, mailouts and telephone reminders. It was hectic.....and let's be honest, I was loving it.
And that's the last thing I remember... well not even remember really, but that's the last thing that I did that was normal that week. After that it all went a bit pear-shaped apparently.
After picking the girls up, with Charli having climbed into her seat but not yet strapped in, with Zie still in my arms (so Charli tells me now), I had a cardiac arrest. I collapsed in the car park with Zie still in my arms - thankfully the childcare staff were having a staff meeting, so they were all still onsite - alerted by one of the many mums who were coming and going at that time of the day. Even more fortunately, an ambulance was only about 2 minutes up the road on its return to Prince Charles Hospital. The child care staff, and then the ambos were able to revivie me, although it took almost 20 minutes apparently and took me to Prince Charles Hospital (for those of you not in the know, that's Brisbane's Cardiac Hospital anyway so kind of fortuitous that it was just down the road.
I came through the ER (or in Australia we like to call it the DEM - Department of Emergency Medicine but I don't think that has the same ring to it - do you?) unresponsive but with a pulse and BP so I was chilled down to about 33.5 degrees and moved to the ICU. I was warmed about 12 hours later and by Sunday was able to hold a conversation that lasted for longer than 30 seconds at a time without repeating (think 50 First Dates except with the repeat button on 1/2 minute, not 24 hours!!)
I remember nothing of Thursday - Sunday. I don't remember trying to flee the hospital (ladies, unless you want the worst UTI of your lives I strongly recommend not tearing a catheter out in an attempt to leave a hospital rather quickly!!). I ripped canulas out of my arm and took off. Dave who had been taking a break out in the lounge returned to the ICU with staff saying they had lost me - he was rather nonplussed to say the least. Thereafter I had 24 hour guards on my door whenever family weren't visiting and apparently at one stage I was convinced that I was in the Winston Noble Unit (the psych ward at Prince Charles) - talk about paranoid. Clearly someone was slipping me some rather cool drugs that were having the unfortunate side effect of making me rather suspicious!! :) I like to think that I made a rather long-lasting impression on the ICU staff. After they'd had enough, they shipped me off to CCU (coronary care unit) - which is where I was when my memory returned.
Sunday 10th August
So by Sunday when Dave was visiting I was able to retain some information and learnt that an angiogram had revealed no signs of coronary heart disease (but did however give me a great bruise that covered my entire upper leg/crotch area - and I thought waxing was bad!!!). They had two theories at this point - my prolapsed mitral valve, which I had with no problems since I was about 7, started leaking quite badly, causing an arrhythmia which sent me into arrest OR Takotsubo syndrome, complicated by the leaky valve. As Dave pointed out in his email to friends, those o fyou who watch House may remember an episode with this syndrom in it.... Here is a link to a journal article which describes a case with a number of similarities to mine...and there's a Wiki (of course!!)
http://www.cardiothoracicsurgery.org/content/2/1/14
Monday 11th August onwards
They started talking about a defibrillator - the valve having corrected itself meant that valve replacement was back on the shelf thank goodness - the longer I can put that off the better. However, this defibrillator thingy didn't turn out to be such a hoot either. But I was told I wasn't leaving hospital without it, so it became something that I longed for, just so that I could go home. An entire week later....... and D-Day arrived.
Monday 18th August
While my sis in law was visiting a nurse marched in with a surgisponge, asked it I'd yet showered today and upon receiving my negative response marched me to the shower, handed me the surgisponge with clear instructions and said they would be up to prep me for surgery within half an hour. Wow, for days I had been sitting there wondering if I'd have to go private in order to get this surgery done and the next thing, I've got no preparation at all and it's all systems go. Bekk called Dave to let him know and said not to bother coming up as I probably would have already gone and ..... off I went. ...... only to sit in pre-op/recovery for an hour. Glad I rushed that shower ;)
Apparently the surgery was to be conducted under 'light sedation'. the very term made me nervous. I clarified just what that meant and was assured I would not feel a thing. Whew....... well it must have just been a bad dream then that for the entire second half of the procedure I could feel them inserting the device, getting it into place, sewing me up, could hear them discussing that I was awake, what meds I'd had, and coming to the conclusion that I could have no more and that I would have to be fine. I'm glad that they had not prepared me for the possibility that I might feel something. Because you know, then I could have been prepared. Then I may have realised that what I could feel in fact was only pressure - instead, thinking that I wasn't meant to be feeling anything I panicked...and all of that converted into the sensation of pain, and the terrified thoughts that I could feel them in my chest cavity. Panic is a wonderful thing. I spent an hour in recovery trying not to cry - I was still so stunned. The nurse who had been in the op came to see me, I was so angry that I wouldn't even answer him when he asked me how I was. Yes... much better to treat patients as morons rather than tell them exactly what is going to happen.... much better. Anyway, I'd best get over it. Apparently the appalling shortage of anethetists in Brisbane mean that only serious operations get anethetists.... as a friend just pointed out - she got to have her wisdom teeth out under a general but apparently fitting a device into my heart...... pfft, just a local will do. Go figure.
Tuesday 19th August
As I knew would happen, anxious to have the bed for someone who needed it, I was turfed out on Tuesday (don't get me wrong, I was itching to get out of hospital, I just find it funny that I sat there all week waiting for the procedure and then I get turfed out within 24 hours of it happening). Dave decided that the girls should stay at his mum and dad's for one more night to allow me to settle in to home and then we'd get them the next day. I was torn. I was missing them heaps but also really nervous about suddenly having to look after them again. It was great to see them the next day, and especially great when Mackenzie started vomiting with the bug that Charli had had the previous week. My first week home has been spent being vomited on (Zie), coughed on (Charli), clung to (both of them) and generally not resting as much as I should have. But you know what? Life goes on, and with two little children under three, I laughed at the person who said I wasn't to use my left arm for 6 weeks.... oh okay.
Today
So where does all of this leave me? Well I don't know really. I don't remember it happening. I was essentially dead for a few minutes there but don't remember a white light, a euphoric moment, no epiphanies. I've been told this wasn't stress induced or due to my lifestyle (caffeine, exercise or diet) - so no reason to re-evaluate my life with respect to lifestyle choices. I've been told I can't drive for 6 months, so that's going to be fun. We've not yet figured out how I'm supposed to get the girls to daycare and then (post-October) get myself to work given that childcare is about 1km away and pushing a pram that far is beyond me... but maybe by October it will be ok.
So this just happened really. I had a really bad hair day. they don't know why. They stuck a device in my heart that will essentially kick-start it if it stops again. In the meantime I've lost a heap of independence. To be honest I'm still waiting for it all to hit me. To suddenly remember something and to break down crying and realising how close I came to dying. But so far that moment hasn't happened and maybe it won't. It feels odd though that something like this could happen and I could remember so little of it. Meanwhile Charli tells me every night how scared she was when I fell down and about how I had Zie in my arms when I fell. It will be something she remembers for a while I think and that saddens me more than anything.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Real Estate Rollercoaster.....Not a fun ride
We had the new house in the bag. Our house we own on the Northside sold. We put our house we own in the Western Suburbs on the market (to ease the mortgage pain). Our shares were ready to be sold just as soon as the market went up a little.
Someone came along and bettered the offer on the house I'd fallen in love with. Two choices - give up the dream or go unconditional. Thankfully my more level-headed, less emotionally driven other half insisted we could not afford to run the risk of buying a house before the other one went unconditional. Chances are we've lost the house. Work is stressful. The kids are 'challenging'. My dream home that had that wow factor that was shared by all my friends..... gone in the blink of an eye. It could still work out. But right now I am numb - and cranky at myself for allowing this whole thing to become such an emotionally driven event. I mean it's just a house right? Right? Except it felt like 'home' already and it wasn't even mine. :(
Someone came along and bettered the offer on the house I'd fallen in love with. Two choices - give up the dream or go unconditional. Thankfully my more level-headed, less emotionally driven other half insisted we could not afford to run the risk of buying a house before the other one went unconditional. Chances are we've lost the house. Work is stressful. The kids are 'challenging'. My dream home that had that wow factor that was shared by all my friends..... gone in the blink of an eye. It could still work out. But right now I am numb - and cranky at myself for allowing this whole thing to become such an emotionally driven event. I mean it's just a house right? Right? Except it felt like 'home' already and it wasn't even mine. :(
Saturday, July 12, 2008
anyone want to buy a house?
WE GOT IT - WE FREAKING GOT IT..........more sneak peeks :)
Now we just have to sell our house .... within 30 days. OMG.
Now we just have to sell our house .... within 30 days. OMG.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
If you can't sleep, blog
Because I think dear readers if you find yourself lying awake at night unable to sleep because you are constructing a blog in your head, then it's best if you just get up and go and write that blog. Plus I am getting sick of Geoff and Terry turning up, seeing me at the computer, asking me if I'm blogging and then laughing because they know I'm not... so here goes..... a blog entry!!
A lot has been going on lately ...... for the entirety of 2008 really and to be honest I'm a little over this year... which is unfortunatel really because according to my calendar we are only a little over 50% of the way through it.
Lately there's been a tonne of illness in our house (is that tonne or ton? I can never remember which way the Aussies spell it and which way the yanks spell it.... I'm going to go with tonne. Ton is shorter to spell ... and well.... that means it's probably the US spelling... you know.. to make it easier for them LOL)
anyway, I digress. 2008 has been filled with sinus infections, ear infections and just plain infection really. I won't even go into the events of a few weeks ago when on my week 'off' - plans filled with day spas, hair appointments, lunches with girlfriends and just general 'sitting on my arse with no kids to hassle me - both kids got severe conjunctivitis and were barred from daycare so instead of getting a massage, I got to wipe what looked like green caterpillars streaming from their eyes? Why I ask is this in none of the books about parenting...???? Amidst all of that I was ill myself so Darling Hubby had to stay at home, use up all of his annual leave, and care for us all. Sigh, what a week of joy...
And now our darling Mackenzie, whom I thought was going to breeze through teething like her poor sister never did, has spent the last 72 hours - attached to my hip - alternating between grizzling, sleeping, crying and laying there in a near coma with temps of over 39...... teething, ear infections and a throat described as 'ripe' by the doctor... lovely, so that'll be her 3rd lot of antibiotics this year alone. thrilled by that I am....NOT. So herein begins probably another year of this joy. Poor Zie. Poor mummy. I'm thinking that by about 2010 I can begin to sleep every night...all night. Probably for about a year before Charli's second lot of teeth start coming in... yay.
And dear Charli. there were a few weeks back when I was pretty sure I wanted to trade her in. You know, for a 3 year old who didn't talk back and refuse to do anything. Michelle assured me that all three year olds were like this but I had my doubts. But her little bursts of whatever causes her to become a maniac (and I can still blame teeth as her TWO-YEAR OLD MOLARS have not come through yet....blimey) seem to have subsided and she's back to just regular talking everyone's ear off and generally being a little know-it-all. Today she blew me away. We lay down for a daytime nap and read a story first. A story called Hattie and the Box (Fox) - she can't say F yet and after a very naughty word was yelled by mummy a few weeks back I'm actually really glad of this linguistic delay!!
Anyway, she put her hand over my mouth and declared she was going to read it. And she bloody well did - word for word (except for the last page which was "And they were all so surprised that no-one said anything for a very long time" which became "and they were surprised (thinking, thinking, thinking) ...and didn't talk" LOL..... anyway, I just about wet myself laughing when she did it again tonight for Dave. Having got over my astonishment at this display of parroting, I was able to listen properly to the inflections in her voice and she's got me down pat..... "Good grief, said the goose, Well well, said the pig" with this surprise in her voice and a cheeky grin on her face... just like Mummy must do every night..... hmm. At least I know I don't read in a monotone :) I'll endeavour to capture this on audio and blog it sometime soon.
And now onto the very large decisions regarding our abode. It's quite odd really..... for 6 months now (well much longer really) but ever since we moved in to this house to rent for awhile, I've been under the impression that one day we'd knock down and rebuild on our current block and I've really really wanted a Metricon style home (see the Laguna for example). You know, something crisp and modern with clean lines and a prize home feel about it. Which is very far removed from my ideal home when I was in my early 20's which was a wood and sandstone style queenslander with large verandahs, tall ceilings and a lovely open plan feel - but with that old rustic appeal. .... then Dave and I went to an open house on Saturday to this house...
Not a crisp modern style at all but a beautiful western red cedar SIX bedroom house set on about 1200m2 complete with cubby house, pool, gazebo, a flat section of yard for the trampoline and swings, a chook run (yes a chook run), fruit trees and a vegetable patch. Complete with 5 levels in the house in cascading split level design - Dave and I just LOVED it. We impulsively put an offer in that afternoon..........
and were promptly rejected the following day. The owner wants far more for it than we can offer... despite our offer being over his asking initial price. Sigh. I am torn between heart broken and trying to be all Zen about it. Either he will come to his senses and accept our offer (it has been on the market for about 4 months now)... OR I can see this house as the house that - while we did not get it - at least made the decision for Dave and I.... drum roll... we are once and for all selling our house that we've lived in for the last 9 years together. We cannot justify the expense of building a large house on this property when we can get 2/3 of the price of a brand new house by selling it..... so it goes on the market sometime this week. Anyone want to buy it?? LOL
I am sure there will be other houses..... other houses that Dave and I will walk in to and look at each other and smile. At least now I know what that feeling feels like. We've been to a few open homes over the last few weeks and I've walked away thinking "yeah I guess I could live here"... but let's face it folks, if you're going to spend that much money on a house.. you want to feel "oh wow" about it. So now.... we just have to find another 'oh wow' house. And in the current market... there'll be plenty more coming our way with falling prices I hope....
Well that's it for me. Not very eloquent but at least brings you up to speed. I feel like I've been letting down the whole "I am an A-type personality" title by seeming as if I"m not doing much. But it turns out that moving house, being ill a lot, raising 2 very independent monkeys who alternate between driivng me crazy and making my heart break with love, working a job that while officially part-time is really a full-time role, buying a new car (oh yeah we bought a new car), trying to stay in contact with friends and failing dismally most of the time... and now looking for a new house because I feel that moving once in a year is just not stressful enought..... well it turns out that all those things suck up quite a bit of time. Here's hoping those Practitioner Strength vitamin B tablets that the chemist slipped me today kick in soon with some of that 'energy' the bottle is promising me :)
Ciao dear readers
x
A lot has been going on lately ...... for the entirety of 2008 really and to be honest I'm a little over this year... which is unfortunatel really because according to my calendar we are only a little over 50% of the way through it.
Lately there's been a tonne of illness in our house (is that tonne or ton? I can never remember which way the Aussies spell it and which way the yanks spell it.... I'm going to go with tonne. Ton is shorter to spell ... and well.... that means it's probably the US spelling... you know.. to make it easier for them LOL)
anyway, I digress. 2008 has been filled with sinus infections, ear infections and just plain infection really. I won't even go into the events of a few weeks ago when on my week 'off' - plans filled with day spas, hair appointments, lunches with girlfriends and just general 'sitting on my arse with no kids to hassle me - both kids got severe conjunctivitis and were barred from daycare so instead of getting a massage, I got to wipe what looked like green caterpillars streaming from their eyes? Why I ask is this in none of the books about parenting...???? Amidst all of that I was ill myself so Darling Hubby had to stay at home, use up all of his annual leave, and care for us all. Sigh, what a week of joy...
And now our darling Mackenzie, whom I thought was going to breeze through teething like her poor sister never did, has spent the last 72 hours - attached to my hip - alternating between grizzling, sleeping, crying and laying there in a near coma with temps of over 39...... teething, ear infections and a throat described as 'ripe' by the doctor... lovely, so that'll be her 3rd lot of antibiotics this year alone. thrilled by that I am....NOT. So herein begins probably another year of this joy. Poor Zie. Poor mummy. I'm thinking that by about 2010 I can begin to sleep every night...all night. Probably for about a year before Charli's second lot of teeth start coming in... yay.
And dear Charli. there were a few weeks back when I was pretty sure I wanted to trade her in. You know, for a 3 year old who didn't talk back and refuse to do anything. Michelle assured me that all three year olds were like this but I had my doubts. But her little bursts of whatever causes her to become a maniac (and I can still blame teeth as her TWO-YEAR OLD MOLARS have not come through yet....blimey) seem to have subsided and she's back to just regular talking everyone's ear off and generally being a little know-it-all. Today she blew me away. We lay down for a daytime nap and read a story first. A story called Hattie and the Box (Fox) - she can't say F yet and after a very naughty word was yelled by mummy a few weeks back I'm actually really glad of this linguistic delay!!
Anyway, she put her hand over my mouth and declared she was going to read it. And she bloody well did - word for word (except for the last page which was "And they were all so surprised that no-one said anything for a very long time" which became "and they were surprised (thinking, thinking, thinking) ...and didn't talk" LOL..... anyway, I just about wet myself laughing when she did it again tonight for Dave. Having got over my astonishment at this display of parroting, I was able to listen properly to the inflections in her voice and she's got me down pat..... "Good grief, said the goose, Well well, said the pig" with this surprise in her voice and a cheeky grin on her face... just like Mummy must do every night..... hmm. At least I know I don't read in a monotone :) I'll endeavour to capture this on audio and blog it sometime soon.
And now onto the very large decisions regarding our abode. It's quite odd really..... for 6 months now (well much longer really) but ever since we moved in to this house to rent for awhile, I've been under the impression that one day we'd knock down and rebuild on our current block and I've really really wanted a Metricon style home (see the Laguna for example). You know, something crisp and modern with clean lines and a prize home feel about it. Which is very far removed from my ideal home when I was in my early 20's which was a wood and sandstone style queenslander with large verandahs, tall ceilings and a lovely open plan feel - but with that old rustic appeal. .... then Dave and I went to an open house on Saturday to this house...
Not a crisp modern style at all but a beautiful western red cedar SIX bedroom house set on about 1200m2 complete with cubby house, pool, gazebo, a flat section of yard for the trampoline and swings, a chook run (yes a chook run), fruit trees and a vegetable patch. Complete with 5 levels in the house in cascading split level design - Dave and I just LOVED it. We impulsively put an offer in that afternoon..........
and were promptly rejected the following day. The owner wants far more for it than we can offer... despite our offer being over his asking initial price. Sigh. I am torn between heart broken and trying to be all Zen about it. Either he will come to his senses and accept our offer (it has been on the market for about 4 months now)... OR I can see this house as the house that - while we did not get it - at least made the decision for Dave and I.... drum roll... we are once and for all selling our house that we've lived in for the last 9 years together. We cannot justify the expense of building a large house on this property when we can get 2/3 of the price of a brand new house by selling it..... so it goes on the market sometime this week. Anyone want to buy it?? LOL
I am sure there will be other houses..... other houses that Dave and I will walk in to and look at each other and smile. At least now I know what that feeling feels like. We've been to a few open homes over the last few weeks and I've walked away thinking "yeah I guess I could live here"... but let's face it folks, if you're going to spend that much money on a house.. you want to feel "oh wow" about it. So now.... we just have to find another 'oh wow' house. And in the current market... there'll be plenty more coming our way with falling prices I hope....
Well that's it for me. Not very eloquent but at least brings you up to speed. I feel like I've been letting down the whole "I am an A-type personality" title by seeming as if I"m not doing much. But it turns out that moving house, being ill a lot, raising 2 very independent monkeys who alternate between driivng me crazy and making my heart break with love, working a job that while officially part-time is really a full-time role, buying a new car (oh yeah we bought a new car), trying to stay in contact with friends and failing dismally most of the time... and now looking for a new house because I feel that moving once in a year is just not stressful enought..... well it turns out that all those things suck up quite a bit of time. Here's hoping those Practitioner Strength vitamin B tablets that the chemist slipped me today kick in soon with some of that 'energy' the bottle is promising me :)
Ciao dear readers
x
Sunday, June 08, 2008
A picture tells a thousand words...
or at least I hope so. I've missed so much this year. Mackenzie darling will think that I did not want to remember any of her first years - and nothing could be further from the truth. But the truth is that I am tired. Tired of my life and the endless round and round of work, housework, feeding me and the kids and the husband and the dog, sleeping (if I'm lucky), and then getting up and starting it all over again. Ironically, the things that tire me are also the beings that are the light of my life, so here is a catch up on the things that have exhausted me this year.
Charli's 3rd Birthday - a real fizzer compared to last year but the trampoline was a bit of a hit :)
Man, Mackenzie has up until now been our placid little ray of sunshine. Then recently she developed "attitude". She still is smiley and bubbly.... when she wants to be. Other times she expresses her concerns all too clearly. Here she would like us to know that she is TIRED OF THE PHOTOS PEOPLE... and i don't care if you are trying to get "just one photo of my new dress that Aunty Sharon bought" - I have no intention of smiling..... thank you very much.
God Mum you got one kiss... give it up alright???
I got smart this year - cake courtesy of Baskin and Robbins. But not too smart - "I want an ice cream cake"... over and over and over again. When she won't eat it and starts crying and we ask why? "It's too cold mummy"..... aaaaagh. I'm sorry, next time I'll get them to warm the freaking ice cream cake.
And don't think this hasn't been used as a jail of sorts, but she's recently learnt to get out herself *sigh* still works for the little one though ;)
her first easter hat parade at 'school' which of course both her dad and i had to miss as we both had meetings scheduled. the joys of working and parenting...please note the GORGEOUS knitted dress from April
And Zie got to make an appearance too - I'm told they are rabbit ears on her head but is it just me or does she look more like and Indian Squaw...??
I too can be a DG Shaz :) Lemon meringue pie. ... which made Charli's mouth tingle because as it turns out 'yes' she is still allergic to eggs :( oops
Rembrandt eat your heart out - why do kids insist on putting all of the beautiful colours over and over each other until they end up with a brown mess?
Anyway, that's all from me. Stay tuned - the latest in Charli and Mackenzie's 'tude next post.
xo
Charli's 3rd Birthday - a real fizzer compared to last year but the trampoline was a bit of a hit :)
Man, Mackenzie has up until now been our placid little ray of sunshine. Then recently she developed "attitude". She still is smiley and bubbly.... when she wants to be. Other times she expresses her concerns all too clearly. Here she would like us to know that she is TIRED OF THE PHOTOS PEOPLE... and i don't care if you are trying to get "just one photo of my new dress that Aunty Sharon bought" - I have no intention of smiling..... thank you very much.
God Mum you got one kiss... give it up alright???
I got smart this year - cake courtesy of Baskin and Robbins. But not too smart - "I want an ice cream cake"... over and over and over again. When she won't eat it and starts crying and we ask why? "It's too cold mummy"..... aaaaagh. I'm sorry, next time I'll get them to warm the freaking ice cream cake.
And don't think this hasn't been used as a jail of sorts, but she's recently learnt to get out herself *sigh* still works for the little one though ;)
her first easter hat parade at 'school' which of course both her dad and i had to miss as we both had meetings scheduled. the joys of working and parenting...please note the GORGEOUS knitted dress from April
And Zie got to make an appearance too - I'm told they are rabbit ears on her head but is it just me or does she look more like and Indian Squaw...??
I too can be a DG Shaz :) Lemon meringue pie. ... which made Charli's mouth tingle because as it turns out 'yes' she is still allergic to eggs :( oops
Rembrandt eat your heart out - why do kids insist on putting all of the beautiful colours over and over each other until they end up with a brown mess?Anyway, that's all from me. Stay tuned - the latest in Charli and Mackenzie's 'tude next post.
xo
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
36 months later
Birth Day
Big One Year old girl
My 2 year old girl about to turn three .... pretending to be an angel... Beck she loves the wings
Dear Charli,
Tonight is the eve of your third birthday and as if it were yesterday I can sit here and remember exactly what I was doing 3 years ago tonight.
This evening I have just put you to bed and you held my face close in your hands and you whispered: "Do you know what tomorrow is?"
Yes my darling girl I know exactly what tomorrow is. It is the third anniversary of a day that changed our life forever. The past few months have been difficult ones, for me, for you and for us as a family. Illness, ear infections, post-PhD depression, sleeping difficulties and tantrums (by both you and I) have marred the beginning of 2008 a little. But despite all of this, I sit here and shed a tear for the three years that seem to have gone a little too fast, though I know that there was many a night of sleeplessness or days of whinging that I have wished them away, desperate for these difficult years to be over.
Your favourite at the moment is to remind me (a lot) that I get cross with you. Thankfully I've taught you well and you are also quick to point out that you know I still love you. The other day you even told me you didn't like me very much, but that you still loved me, and your emotional intelligence astounds me some days. Of course this is balanced out by regular 2 year old behaviour that manifests in 'drama queen' ways for you - one such instance being the other morning when I - still half asleep - was subjected to you sobbing for 5 minutes in front of Dora the Explorer because you couldn't see the TV... IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU CHARLI, WHAT IS WRONG? I yelled exasperatedly.... when you started rubbing your eyes I even had a moment of panic, thinking your vision had been harmed in some way. But no. It turns out that your couch was NOT ON THE EXACT RIGHT ANGLE TO THE TV. God give me strength. It's mornings like that when I think that it is quite likely that I might stroke out before i reach the age of 35. But then you turn around and smile at me like butter would not melt in your mouth and I'm back to wondering how I could ever be angry with you at all.
Charli girl. We love you so much. Your daddy, your sister and I think you are wonderful. Never stop being exactly who you are.
Love Mummy
xoxox
Monday, April 14, 2008
Alive but not well
Been a while huh? I've thought of blogging often. Late at night I find myself composing short blogs and paragraphs in my head, things I should post about that are funny or so tragic I figure it will give someone something to laugh at... or something to commiserate with me about. But unfortunately they've not yet written the technology that will take these in-brain musings and simply transfer them to the computer. By the time i arise the next morning i am confronted with yet another unmanageable day in my life and the blog is once again relegated to backburner of my life. So much has happened since january 3rd when I last posted. I could write for hours on the hell that has been 2008 thus far but something tells me (and my unstable emotional state supports this) that it's best not to relive the full extent of the horror but rather to just jot it down in dot points. Of course it's not going to sound as tragic that way and I will no doubt come across as a drama queen who needs to just take a valium and put things into perspective - and that could well be the case - however.....
January.
What can I say about March really. Thus far 2008 has been a sleepless, illness-filled year and March has been the worst. Nights of Charli not going to sleep until 3am, 12pm, 10pm and then up again by about 4am with pleas to watch TV. By night 3 I could freaking care what she was doing as long as she let me sleep. The irony is that for the first time Zie started sleeping through from sundown to sun up - I think they tag team me. "Okay, I'll sleep well this month, you drive her crazy!!". It turned out to be an ear infection... the first of three we've had now this year. Anti-biotics seem to keep it under control momentarily but then the minute she gets another runny nose - a constant this season now she's in childcare - then she gets another ear infection. I'm assured that they'll clear up by the time she's about 4 or 5 - excellent!! Only another 365-730 more sleepless nights :)
On top of all this I seem to have developed the chronic sinusitis problems that plagued my mum for years..... a prospect that fills me with dread. On Saturday just gone (we've skipped over March, join me in April now)... I flew to Cairns for a job for 24 hours - the plane trip was a nightmare - having never flown with a sinus infection before i could not have imagined the pain that would engulf my head and ears on descent. I don't recommend it folks. I spent yesterday laid up in bed wishing I could breathe.
The problem with life at the moment is that so much crap has gone on that it's hard to focus on the funny and good things - the things that should be remembered, but I'll give it a go....
The good things
okay this post has been interrupted by receiving energy bills from our old address because our energy provider never cancelled our service as requested.... so as trivial as that seems its just one more blah in my life to deal with right now.... I'm off. I'll be back to report on good things soon... I hope.
January.
- We decide to move in Sharon's house
- I start packing up the inside of the house WEEKS before the move... Husband, whose job it is to clean up the living nightmare under our house, leaves it until approximately 7 days before our move....
- The garbage skip cannot be put into our front yard and only barely fits onto the front footpath - much to the annoyance of the postman
- the council decide the week before we have booked the removalists to come and tear up our entire gutter/footpath region to re-pipe. I have a heart attack that the removalists will not be able to move us. despite buckets of rain it gets done in time
- the general stress of moving and changing over utilities and packing boxes with two small children 'helping' caused me to have a mini-stroke most nights
- 18th jan - we move - the less said the better. STRESS
- the day after the move we've arranged a friend to babysit so that dave and I can attend - child-free - his sister's engagement party. we look forward to a night out as adults. we barely talk to each other or anyone else that night as we are so exhausted we can't function.
- we get home to our babysitter saying she was about to call as our youngest has a temp nearing 39 degrees
- we give her panadol, she has a slight - what we think is heat rash
- by 2 days later the rash is worse and i call the Qld health number. they take me through a gazillion questions about her symptoms (does she have a headache? how the hell do I know - she doesn't talk yet!!). They say not to worry unless I wake up in the morning and rash has spread
- I wake up in the morning and the rash has spread.
- I spend this week dealing with the clearing up of crap still at our old house (turning out to be 1000 more trips in the car than expected) AND with a child that has Roseola - turns out not to be a problem but before we knew what it was there was a little bit of worry involved.
- Throughout all of this there are boxes
- and more boxes
- and many more boxes to be unpacked
- I think by now it might be the end of January. it's hard to say, my life at this point is lack of sleep and unpacking boxes.
- Unpacking boxes
- Annoying tenant at old house keeps texting me with inane questions such as what is Optus phone number as we didn't leave the white pages in the house - for fuck's sake man..... call directory assistance. Sheesh. Call the real estate agent and put a stop to him calling me.
- In this month we have an array of birthdays and I'm pretty sure that I was sick about three times - as were the girls. Having been on sleeping tablets for a month to control the 'moving anxiety' I also experienced a charming side effect of rebound depression - I recall a day of lying on my bed crying wishing I could just leave life behind me... a horrible feeling let me tell you. A trip to the GP got that under control..... sort of.
- Late in February i get a call from mother-in-law telling me that my father-in-law can get in for his knee surgery about 6 months earlier than planned. Which is great news. Except for the fact that I then had to enrol Charli in childcare as she didn't think she could cope with both of them while he was recovering, which was fair enough - but the prospect of childcare freaked me out.
- Took charli down to local childcare - she loved it so much and cried so hard when we left that I booked her in to start immediately.
- First three days of childcare I dropped her off wihtout tears (Seeya Mum) but picking her up was an emotional ordeal. She would spy me, burst into tears and cry "i've missed you so much mummy"..... By the fourth day, the drop offs were heart wrenching. And they've not got better in the last 5 weeks. "I don't want to go to school" starts the day before and continues until I leave the childcare centre a hollow of my former self and drag myself to work.
- I love my job - LOVE IT - but beginning each day with your child crying and saying they "just want to spend the day with you mummy" - well it's enough to drain the hardest-hearted person
What can I say about March really. Thus far 2008 has been a sleepless, illness-filled year and March has been the worst. Nights of Charli not going to sleep until 3am, 12pm, 10pm and then up again by about 4am with pleas to watch TV. By night 3 I could freaking care what she was doing as long as she let me sleep. The irony is that for the first time Zie started sleeping through from sundown to sun up - I think they tag team me. "Okay, I'll sleep well this month, you drive her crazy!!". It turned out to be an ear infection... the first of three we've had now this year. Anti-biotics seem to keep it under control momentarily but then the minute she gets another runny nose - a constant this season now she's in childcare - then she gets another ear infection. I'm assured that they'll clear up by the time she's about 4 or 5 - excellent!! Only another 365-730 more sleepless nights :)
On top of all this I seem to have developed the chronic sinusitis problems that plagued my mum for years..... a prospect that fills me with dread. On Saturday just gone (we've skipped over March, join me in April now)... I flew to Cairns for a job for 24 hours - the plane trip was a nightmare - having never flown with a sinus infection before i could not have imagined the pain that would engulf my head and ears on descent. I don't recommend it folks. I spent yesterday laid up in bed wishing I could breathe.
The problem with life at the moment is that so much crap has gone on that it's hard to focus on the funny and good things - the things that should be remembered, but I'll give it a go....
The good things
okay this post has been interrupted by receiving energy bills from our old address because our energy provider never cancelled our service as requested.... so as trivial as that seems its just one more blah in my life to deal with right now.... I'm off. I'll be back to report on good things soon... I hope.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Funniest thing I've seen on UTube this week :)
This was posted by one of the lecturers in the Pscyh School at UQ. Oh what a fun Xmas break he had. reproduction of Beowulf, the epic poem, recreated using his babies :)
Friday, December 14, 2007
Blogging drought record?
It would have to come close to being mine I think. Some may wonder if nothing has been going on and hence I have no reason to blog....when in fact the opposite is true. In reality I have found life so overwhelmingly busy and stressful of late that the thought of in some way capturing it in word form seems all too hard.
And yet so much has happened - much of which has been posted on others' websites (Shaz and Michelle namely) who were good enough to post about our holidays and Zie's party (or did I wrongly give credit to Michelle - was that all Shaz's doing??? oh well ;) ).
PhD is still under revision..... don't ask... does anyone remember me saying about this time last year "well at least I'll have my PhD by 2007?"... well think again... but 2008 is a sure thing.... I hope...... :)
Charli continues to astound me with her humour, her conversational ability, her cheek and her tantrums... not necessarily in that order. What terrifies me most is her ability to parrot me...
(overheard while playing with her dolls in the dollhouse)
Channy is speaking with Dora "Hi Dora"
Dora: Hi Channy
(catty comes up behind Channy and says "hi channy"
Channy swiftly turns around and says "Not now I'm talking, just wait".....
*sigh*.... perhaps I should learn to speak a bit more calmly when she interrupts me ...
She plays for hours with her dolls and makes up entire scenarios that just astound me. She talks my ears off most days and by the end of the day I could gladly put cotton wool in my ears and submerge under some water just to get some peace and quiet...... and I wouldn't swap her for the world ;)
Zie.... wow. where do i start. Today she clapped for the first time, she has 2 teeth - both of which have caused her only mild distress, she continues to refuse to be fed and must feed herself everything - which leaves me scrambling to make all her food 'finger food'.... try that with weet-bix people... it's a challenge. She has been pulling to standing for weeks now and in the last 48 hours is 'walking' while you hold both hands. She is cheeky and funny and she makes me laugh a lot.
Oh and after months of hearing me whinge and whine about how our house is too small for the four of us - and after months of too-ing and fro-ing about selling versus buying versus building versus packing up our entire lives and just moving to the sub-continent.... we have finally arrived at a decision to rent out our house and go and rent a larger house somewhere..... until we can decide whether to renovate this house, knock it down and re-build or sell and build elsewhere. This decision alone could take us years ;) In the meantime, I believe there is a house soon to be available for rent ???? :) stay tuned for updates.
This does not begin to update my life. But it will have to do..... and it's better than nothing.... Now I will return to my PhD-revising, packing-up-and-moving, slowly-going-mental-as-a-mother-of-two-small-girls life and let you get back to yours.
Ciao
And yet so much has happened - much of which has been posted on others' websites (Shaz and Michelle namely) who were good enough to post about our holidays and Zie's party (or did I wrongly give credit to Michelle - was that all Shaz's doing??? oh well ;) ).
PhD is still under revision..... don't ask... does anyone remember me saying about this time last year "well at least I'll have my PhD by 2007?"... well think again... but 2008 is a sure thing.... I hope...... :)
Charli continues to astound me with her humour, her conversational ability, her cheek and her tantrums... not necessarily in that order. What terrifies me most is her ability to parrot me...
(overheard while playing with her dolls in the dollhouse)
Channy is speaking with Dora "Hi Dora"
Dora: Hi Channy
(catty comes up behind Channy and says "hi channy"
Channy swiftly turns around and says "Not now I'm talking, just wait".....
*sigh*.... perhaps I should learn to speak a bit more calmly when she interrupts me ...
She plays for hours with her dolls and makes up entire scenarios that just astound me. She talks my ears off most days and by the end of the day I could gladly put cotton wool in my ears and submerge under some water just to get some peace and quiet...... and I wouldn't swap her for the world ;)
Zie.... wow. where do i start. Today she clapped for the first time, she has 2 teeth - both of which have caused her only mild distress, she continues to refuse to be fed and must feed herself everything - which leaves me scrambling to make all her food 'finger food'.... try that with weet-bix people... it's a challenge. She has been pulling to standing for weeks now and in the last 48 hours is 'walking' while you hold both hands. She is cheeky and funny and she makes me laugh a lot.
Oh and after months of hearing me whinge and whine about how our house is too small for the four of us - and after months of too-ing and fro-ing about selling versus buying versus building versus packing up our entire lives and just moving to the sub-continent.... we have finally arrived at a decision to rent out our house and go and rent a larger house somewhere..... until we can decide whether to renovate this house, knock it down and re-build or sell and build elsewhere. This decision alone could take us years ;) In the meantime, I believe there is a house soon to be available for rent ???? :) stay tuned for updates.
This does not begin to update my life. But it will have to do..... and it's better than nothing.... Now I will return to my PhD-revising, packing-up-and-moving, slowly-going-mental-as-a-mother-of-two-small-girls life and let you get back to yours.
Ciao
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Full stop. The end.
Well sorry Beck, but I just had to steal your title - it seems so fitting at this point. Today I left my job. I had my farewell lunch, pocketed my Ella Bache gift voucher (thanks guys ;)) and I got in my car and came home. Granted I had celebratory drinks with a friend planned but those plans went a little pear-shaped so I came home instead. of course on the way I stopped and bought many dollars worth of new skin care, make up, and tanning lotions and hair colours.... all in the name of retail therapy you understand (despite being happy to leave my current job I still felt a little lost nonetheless) - and when I told the lady chemist that I'd just left my job - she threw in heaps more make up for free (or perhaps because I'd just spent enough money to pay the rent on their premises for another month, who knows).
Nonetheless, my days at Company X are over. Four and half years of my life with quite frankly, not as much to show for it as I would have hoped - however, many wonderful and beautiful friendships were forged, and isn't that - at the end of the day - much more important than getting published in international journals? I think I need to remind myself of that a little more. Remind myself that it's just a job and that while it needs to be rewarding so that I have the motivation to turn up each day - my life when I die should not be measured by the number of publications I received in high impact journals. I want to be remembered for the friendships I forged, for my generous spirit (which I feel has been sadly lacking lately as I've allowed myself to become bogged down in the drudgery of life), for my laughter and my ability to make friends feel good about themselves. I want to be remembered for being a mum who knows how to laugh rather than screech at her kids for getting water on the floor. I want to be remembered as a loving wife and not one who has forgotten how to laugh off the things that really don't matter. For this reason and many more, I'm excited about my move to leave Company X. It is time for a fresh start. While the decision to leave was not my own (my contract was not to be renewed but I'm not going to dwell on that un-pleasantness), the decision to resign immediately rather than wait until I had no job to go to, the decision to leave with a smile on my face and take up a new position elsewhere - these were my decisions and ones that I'm glad that I made.
So despite my blogging drought I hope to blog a little more lately. My darling Mackenzie is growing so fast and Charlotte is, as ever, a little personable being filled with questions and answers. Next blog will be devoted to them - the angels in my life for whom I am constantly grateful, and who deserve a mummy who is happy with herself. New Year's Resolution (made early because why wait until January when a fresh start is happening right now): to live life to the fullest, enjoy family and friends, and learn to laugh off those things (and people) in life that are just not worth giving yourself an ulcer about.
Nonetheless, my days at Company X are over. Four and half years of my life with quite frankly, not as much to show for it as I would have hoped - however, many wonderful and beautiful friendships were forged, and isn't that - at the end of the day - much more important than getting published in international journals? I think I need to remind myself of that a little more. Remind myself that it's just a job and that while it needs to be rewarding so that I have the motivation to turn up each day - my life when I die should not be measured by the number of publications I received in high impact journals. I want to be remembered for the friendships I forged, for my generous spirit (which I feel has been sadly lacking lately as I've allowed myself to become bogged down in the drudgery of life), for my laughter and my ability to make friends feel good about themselves. I want to be remembered for being a mum who knows how to laugh rather than screech at her kids for getting water on the floor. I want to be remembered as a loving wife and not one who has forgotten how to laugh off the things that really don't matter. For this reason and many more, I'm excited about my move to leave Company X. It is time for a fresh start. While the decision to leave was not my own (my contract was not to be renewed but I'm not going to dwell on that un-pleasantness), the decision to resign immediately rather than wait until I had no job to go to, the decision to leave with a smile on my face and take up a new position elsewhere - these were my decisions and ones that I'm glad that I made.
So despite my blogging drought I hope to blog a little more lately. My darling Mackenzie is growing so fast and Charlotte is, as ever, a little personable being filled with questions and answers. Next blog will be devoted to them - the angels in my life for whom I am constantly grateful, and who deserve a mummy who is happy with herself. New Year's Resolution (made early because why wait until January when a fresh start is happening right now): to live life to the fullest, enjoy family and friends, and learn to laugh off those things (and people) in life that are just not worth giving yourself an ulcer about.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Isn't it ironic.
You know that song by Alanis Morisette? That feels a little like my life lately. I especially draw your attention to the bridge section of the song that goes like this:
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
Sneaking up on me when I think everything's going right huh? More like ambushing me from a really high place and taking a crap all over me more like it. I'm trying to figure out who I've wronged as I have some major bad karma happening at the moment. Allow me to elaborate.
The Kitchen Debacle
A few weeks ago on a Friday morning I leave to take the girls to the playcentre and meet up with some friends and their kids ...... I return at about lunchtime with toddler and baby both asleep having not had lunch (always poor planning on my part because it means a short nap because they wake hungry) - to discover a veritable waterfall coming from our kitchen ceiling. I stand there dumbfounded - unable to quite believe what I'm seeing and not quite comprehending where the water is coming from given the drought. I then realise the solar hot water system must have shat itself.
Meanwhile our optusnet connection is out and I'm left wondering how to look up plumbers' numbers as in my de-cluttering phase I threw out hard copies of all the phone books. At this stage I've called Dave's mobile and work numbers about 10 times but he's not answering. Charli wakes screaming and I'm nearly in tears. The kitchen by this time is flooded and I can't quite figure out what to try and save first.
I finally think to look through the local paper that had been delivered the previous day and find myself a plumber who can come out ASAP. Scott rocks up about 3pm that afternoon and by the time Dave gets home he's ascertained that rats (yuck!) have eaten threw the piping and he's been unable to find a replacement piece of pipe (our local tradelink didn't stock it) - so he clamped it and was able to turn the water back on and said he'd be back next week with the part to fix it properly..... right, so we set about cleaning up. Takeout for dinner.
The following morning, Dave wakes me at 7am (much to my horror because it was meant to be my sleep in day) - and says we have a problem. I can hear water falling in the kitchen again and my heart sinks. Clearly (so we thought) - Scott's stop gap measure did not work. So I take the girls up to a friend's house for an early breakfast as the kitchen is unuseable, appliances such as the jug and kettle were saturated so I couldn't even boil water for Zie's breakfast and it was all just too hard trying to explain to Charli that she couldn't play in the disgusting water falling from the ceiling. Dave stays to call the plumber.
Mother-in-law comes to get Charli about 11am and the plumber also turns up. Turns out the rats waited until the plumber left and ATE SOME MORE HOLES... so his fix was fine - it's just more rats ate more holes. He fixes that pipe, turns the water back on, finds another leak and so on and so forth.......
Connie leaves with Charli, Dave and I set about letting everything dry and then start cleaning up. Just as I'm thinking of going to get Charli, water starts falling from the ceiling again (you've got to be freaking kidding me right? I hear you say...). Call the plumber who comes out (at this point I was in total denial about just how big his bill was going to be)..... and he has to set up some temporary piping OUTSIDE the house so that if rats eat through it at least it won't drip through the ceiling. Meanwhile, the insurance won't cover any of the plumbing costs - only the water damage.
Life 1 : Carla 0
The PhD - The Jury is back in
As for my PhD, the news is not good really. I'm still feeling really raw about the whole thing and quite in shock. Reviewer A, while making some comments regarding how it could be bettered when I publish (which he encouraged me to do), pretty much used the terms "an important contribution to the field", "addresses gaps in the current literature in this field" and ticked the box recommending me for a Dean's commendation. Exciting huh? Great ego boost? Well wait there's more.... and unfortunately it is not a free set of steak knives.
Reviewer B, in a nutshell, thought it was not worthy of a PhD standard, ticked "revise and resubmit" and seems to have some bee in his bonnet about the fact that I didn't do any independent research or data collection (I did all of this myself, data collection, conceptualisation, everything - so I'm not sure where he got that idea). So it had to go to an adjudicator, who has been a gem about the whole thing (I was pretty much in tears of despair on his shoulder having decided that if I had to do a major revise and resubmit I was quitting.....) and has said that while I have to write a letter addressing each of this examiner's comments, I don't have to necesarily take on board all of the comments, nor do I have to go through the examination process again - as long as the adjudicator signs off on my response letter.
Everyone keeps saying - "oh well that's good, not as bad as it could be then?". But really, it doesn't really feel great either. It's all just a bit of a nightmare really - 9 months after submission and it's still not looking like I'll graduate this year either.... I'm over the entire thing and not even sure what I want to do with my life. I keep telling myself once I get the PhD out of the way I can focus on a career direction...... but I don't even have a future at my current place of employment, which brings me to my next point.....
running score: Life 2: Carla 0
I'm sorry - do you work here?
I had big plans for 2008 work-wise. I was thinking about increasing my days to 3 per week. I was going to ask for funding to present a paper in Bondi in February next year... and quite frankly if it wasn't in the budget I was going anyway. Professional development (aka tax write-off) and all that.......I was going to network my arse off and perhaps make some connections for the future.
However, as of Tuesday last week, I've been told that I don't have a job past the end of the year as no part-time positions are being accommodated for in the current budget plans. So I've pretty much just been told to start looking for work elsewhere - really fits in with the 'family friendly' award they just won doesn't it? The bit I really don't get is how much I've been pushed to finish my PhD over the last 2 years and then they also grant me leave of absence for 4 months last year so I could complete it - right before I also had to take 6 months off to have a baby. And now I'm back on board with no more babies in our future and thus no more leave of absences from work..... committed to staying with them and they decide this is the time to say 'adios'? It makes no sense.
Life 3: Carla 0
But then - well sometimes life just hands you one. Yesterday after much deliberating about when we were going to put the girls in the one bedroom, we decided to take the plunge. There were many reasons for us wanting them to be in the one room.....and Charli's obvious reason of it will be easier to boss Mackenzie around if she's close by ALL THE TIME. But mostly it's really hot in the front room and from memory, Charli (when she was in that room) didn't sleep for about the 6 months that is summer here in Queensland. What possessed me to all of a sudden yesterday declare that THIS was the day it should happen I'll never know. Maybe it was because, let's face it, in four days we leave on a weekend away WITH NO KIDS. And I figured that if the first four days didn't go well, at least I'd have 2 days to recover and re-group before coming home to more pain.
My biggest concern of course was NEITHER of them ever sleeping. It took us close to two years to get Charli to sleep through - and with Zie still MONTHS off finishing teething (given she hasn't even sprouted one yet... well I could envisage much pain ahead of us with Zie waking Charli and Charli waking Zie and so on and so forth....
But you know what? Last night FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ...... OH ...... EVER Zie slept from 6pm til 4am (for a quick feed) and then through til 6am. Charli did not wake up at the 4am feed. When Zie woke at 6am, Charli still looked tired so Dave suggested she go back to sleep AND SHE DID for another hour. Meanwhile, let me re-iterate - Zie slept for 10 hours without needing my attention. Sure, I heard her wake about 4 times during the night and cry out - but obviously the snoring emanating from the nearby bed was comfort enough and I was allowed to spend a straight 6 hours without leaving my bed.
So there you go. Sometimes life just kicks you while you're down. Other times it just hands you one on a plate. Now the cynic in me might suggest that life is just building me up for another fall. But hey, I'm not the cynical type. Right guys? Guys??
Life 3: Carla 1 (and committed to evening the score)
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
Sneaking up on me when I think everything's going right huh? More like ambushing me from a really high place and taking a crap all over me more like it. I'm trying to figure out who I've wronged as I have some major bad karma happening at the moment. Allow me to elaborate.
The Kitchen Debacle
A few weeks ago on a Friday morning I leave to take the girls to the playcentre and meet up with some friends and their kids ...... I return at about lunchtime with toddler and baby both asleep having not had lunch (always poor planning on my part because it means a short nap because they wake hungry) - to discover a veritable waterfall coming from our kitchen ceiling. I stand there dumbfounded - unable to quite believe what I'm seeing and not quite comprehending where the water is coming from given the drought. I then realise the solar hot water system must have shat itself.
Meanwhile our optusnet connection is out and I'm left wondering how to look up plumbers' numbers as in my de-cluttering phase I threw out hard copies of all the phone books. At this stage I've called Dave's mobile and work numbers about 10 times but he's not answering. Charli wakes screaming and I'm nearly in tears. The kitchen by this time is flooded and I can't quite figure out what to try and save first.
I finally think to look through the local paper that had been delivered the previous day and find myself a plumber who can come out ASAP. Scott rocks up about 3pm that afternoon and by the time Dave gets home he's ascertained that rats (yuck!) have eaten threw the piping and he's been unable to find a replacement piece of pipe (our local tradelink didn't stock it) - so he clamped it and was able to turn the water back on and said he'd be back next week with the part to fix it properly..... right, so we set about cleaning up. Takeout for dinner.
The following morning, Dave wakes me at 7am (much to my horror because it was meant to be my sleep in day) - and says we have a problem. I can hear water falling in the kitchen again and my heart sinks. Clearly (so we thought) - Scott's stop gap measure did not work. So I take the girls up to a friend's house for an early breakfast as the kitchen is unuseable, appliances such as the jug and kettle were saturated so I couldn't even boil water for Zie's breakfast and it was all just too hard trying to explain to Charli that she couldn't play in the disgusting water falling from the ceiling. Dave stays to call the plumber.
Mother-in-law comes to get Charli about 11am and the plumber also turns up. Turns out the rats waited until the plumber left and ATE SOME MORE HOLES... so his fix was fine - it's just more rats ate more holes. He fixes that pipe, turns the water back on, finds another leak and so on and so forth.......
Connie leaves with Charli, Dave and I set about letting everything dry and then start cleaning up. Just as I'm thinking of going to get Charli, water starts falling from the ceiling again (you've got to be freaking kidding me right? I hear you say...). Call the plumber who comes out (at this point I was in total denial about just how big his bill was going to be)..... and he has to set up some temporary piping OUTSIDE the house so that if rats eat through it at least it won't drip through the ceiling. Meanwhile, the insurance won't cover any of the plumbing costs - only the water damage.
Life 1 : Carla 0
The PhD - The Jury is back in
As for my PhD, the news is not good really. I'm still feeling really raw about the whole thing and quite in shock. Reviewer A, while making some comments regarding how it could be bettered when I publish (which he encouraged me to do), pretty much used the terms "an important contribution to the field", "addresses gaps in the current literature in this field" and ticked the box recommending me for a Dean's commendation. Exciting huh? Great ego boost? Well wait there's more.... and unfortunately it is not a free set of steak knives.
Reviewer B, in a nutshell, thought it was not worthy of a PhD standard, ticked "revise and resubmit" and seems to have some bee in his bonnet about the fact that I didn't do any independent research or data collection (I did all of this myself, data collection, conceptualisation, everything - so I'm not sure where he got that idea). So it had to go to an adjudicator, who has been a gem about the whole thing (I was pretty much in tears of despair on his shoulder having decided that if I had to do a major revise and resubmit I was quitting.....) and has said that while I have to write a letter addressing each of this examiner's comments, I don't have to necesarily take on board all of the comments, nor do I have to go through the examination process again - as long as the adjudicator signs off on my response letter.
Everyone keeps saying - "oh well that's good, not as bad as it could be then?". But really, it doesn't really feel great either. It's all just a bit of a nightmare really - 9 months after submission and it's still not looking like I'll graduate this year either.... I'm over the entire thing and not even sure what I want to do with my life. I keep telling myself once I get the PhD out of the way I can focus on a career direction...... but I don't even have a future at my current place of employment, which brings me to my next point.....
running score: Life 2: Carla 0
I'm sorry - do you work here?
I had big plans for 2008 work-wise. I was thinking about increasing my days to 3 per week. I was going to ask for funding to present a paper in Bondi in February next year... and quite frankly if it wasn't in the budget I was going anyway. Professional development (aka tax write-off) and all that.......I was going to network my arse off and perhaps make some connections for the future.
However, as of Tuesday last week, I've been told that I don't have a job past the end of the year as no part-time positions are being accommodated for in the current budget plans. So I've pretty much just been told to start looking for work elsewhere - really fits in with the 'family friendly' award they just won doesn't it? The bit I really don't get is how much I've been pushed to finish my PhD over the last 2 years and then they also grant me leave of absence for 4 months last year so I could complete it - right before I also had to take 6 months off to have a baby. And now I'm back on board with no more babies in our future and thus no more leave of absences from work..... committed to staying with them and they decide this is the time to say 'adios'? It makes no sense.
Life 3: Carla 0
But then - well sometimes life just hands you one. Yesterday after much deliberating about when we were going to put the girls in the one bedroom, we decided to take the plunge. There were many reasons for us wanting them to be in the one room.....and Charli's obvious reason of it will be easier to boss Mackenzie around if she's close by ALL THE TIME. But mostly it's really hot in the front room and from memory, Charli (when she was in that room) didn't sleep for about the 6 months that is summer here in Queensland. What possessed me to all of a sudden yesterday declare that THIS was the day it should happen I'll never know. Maybe it was because, let's face it, in four days we leave on a weekend away WITH NO KIDS. And I figured that if the first four days didn't go well, at least I'd have 2 days to recover and re-group before coming home to more pain.
My biggest concern of course was NEITHER of them ever sleeping. It took us close to two years to get Charli to sleep through - and with Zie still MONTHS off finishing teething (given she hasn't even sprouted one yet... well I could envisage much pain ahead of us with Zie waking Charli and Charli waking Zie and so on and so forth....
But you know what? Last night FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ...... OH ...... EVER Zie slept from 6pm til 4am (for a quick feed) and then through til 6am. Charli did not wake up at the 4am feed. When Zie woke at 6am, Charli still looked tired so Dave suggested she go back to sleep AND SHE DID for another hour. Meanwhile, let me re-iterate - Zie slept for 10 hours without needing my attention. Sure, I heard her wake about 4 times during the night and cry out - but obviously the snoring emanating from the nearby bed was comfort enough and I was allowed to spend a straight 6 hours without leaving my bed.
So there you go. Sometimes life just kicks you while you're down. Other times it just hands you one on a plate. Now the cynic in me might suggest that life is just building me up for another fall. But hey, I'm not the cynical type. Right guys? Guys??
Life 3: Carla 1 (and committed to evening the score)
Sunday, September 09, 2007
A change is as good as a holiday...so they say.
Well I don't know about that... I think I would rather a holiday. This didn't quite work out the colour that Dave and I expected.... still, it will make a nice change not having to touch up my roots every 3 minutes!! My hair grows so fast since I've had kids.
Sprung
Dave walks into the lounge room to find Charli - having gone through the drawer with all of our electronic equipment including old mobile phones - with a mobile plastered to her ear, yammering away to someone.
Dave: Charli, what are you doing? (sternly as she isn't meant to go into that drawer)
Charli: (looks up in surprise, turns back to the phone and whispers...) I'll call you back. (throws the phone back in the drawer and turns back to Dave with a 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' look.
Dave (leaves the room in stitches).
She may as well just have been born 14 years old....
Dave: Charli, what are you doing? (sternly as she isn't meant to go into that drawer)
Charli: (looks up in surprise, turns back to the phone and whispers...) I'll call you back. (throws the phone back in the drawer and turns back to Dave with a 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' look.
Dave (leaves the room in stitches).
She may as well just have been born 14 years old....
Monday, August 20, 2007
28 months later ...
Dear Charli girl,
Darling girl, today you turned 28 months old and you are growing up too fast. Life with you of late has been interesting to say the least. About a week ago you turned into adorable girl, the weeks leading up to that.... well let me just say that you have a temper on you when you choose to :)
You and I took Zie on her first beach holiday to Marcoola with Meegan and Owen and it was a delightful weekend. You are such a little caregiver and you are alway looking out for others and especially love looking after your little sister. I try not to encourage too much caregiving behaviour as I don't want you to feel too much responsibility at the tender age of 2 - but your caring nature comes naturally and you are quick with a hug and a kiss when Zie (or sometimes Mummy!) is crying.
It turns out you are quite the cook and this morning you made scones for Aunty Bekk and Matt (aka Map - I think you truly think he is Map from Dora Spora). I tried to help with the scones but you insisted on doing most of it yourself - while they did resemble scones that had in fact exploded, they were very tasty and at this rate I may just hang up my apron and allow you to take over cooking duties soon.
You have discovered the art of procrastination - and the favourite is to ask for endless cuddles and kisses when your Daddy and I are trying to coax you to go to sleep. It's difficult to get cranky at you when you use this ploy - how does one get cranky when you look up at me and say "more kisses mummy?"...... You really do know how to play the game quite well though - and it scares me that you are quite good at it at 2. Your favourite is to push all my buttons, totally rile me up, then goad me even further by patting me patronisingly and saying "it's alright mummy" when I'm going cranky at you for doing something you are not meant to. Just as I think my eyeball is going to explode from the stress of parenting such an independent and strong-willed little girl, you put your arms around my neck, say "I lub you mummy" and ask if we can do 'bu-fly kisses'....... how can I compete with that?
You love your food and I thank the universe each and every day for this as I don't think I have the patience for a fussy eater. We are still waiting for those 2 year old molars to come through - I suspect they are waiting for me to have a really important week at work or something and then they will make their appearance - giving us no sleep or peace for about 2 weeks on end.
Darling girl, we love you - but I must dash now and end this letter as there is ironing to be done, dinner to prepare and a mountain of other things that I must do before you wake from your nap. As much as you love to help me with all of these things, it truly is best if you don't ;)
All my love,
Mummy
xoxo
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Where has the time gone my darling....
Dear Mackenzie Grace,
It is hard to believe that nearly 8 months ago you blessed our lives with your smiles. And you truly are our smiley girl. Even in the midst of tears, when your tummy hurts or I'm just taking way too long to get food to you, you always have a smile for us. And speaking of food, don't you just love it? From the moment it was introduced to you about 2.5 months ago, you took to eating like a duck to water. With a couple of tongue thrusts you soon learnt that you were wasting precious food doing that and soon learnt to just devour anything in sight. Some have commented that you seem ready for a good old steak with a side of vegetables and they are not far wrong. Granted, we should probably puree the meat, but there are some days when you seem to be having a growth spurt when I suspect that you would make light work of a T-bone steak despite not having any chompers just yet.
You are now sitting quite well, though your desperation to reach objects just out of your grasp sometimes means that you fall flat on your face with your legs still out in front of you. This makes me wince as it's been years since I've had that level of flexibility - I suspect if I tried that now my child-bearing hips may just simply crack into two piece. But you just roll over and keep trying to get hold of whatever it was that took your fancy in the first place - usually with a giggle or two along the way.
And giggle - your sister and you are a right royal pair when you get going. Charli's favourite pastime when it comes to playing with you is the take the edge of the fisher price swing and swing you as high as it will go - or alternatively bounce you in your bouncing car until I suspect that the mountains of food you just devoured are about to erupt like Mt Vesuvius. The first time I caught her doing this I just about died of fright - but it's difficult to tell her that she shouldn't do it because you don't like it when - right in front of me - you make a liar of me and giggle at Charli while giving this look that says "don't listen to Mum, I'm having a marvellous time". Charli turns to me and says "Zie likes it"..... how to argue with that. The two of you run rings around your father and I already ...... it's frightening.
You love to sing (i.e. squeal really loudly) - and love to be sung to - by your sister of course - not me or your father. She loves to sing you "Dora Spora (Explorer)" and she's no doubt already planting the dora obsession into your pretty little head - which is probably just as well because it's plainly obvious that you are going to be forced to watch hours of Dora Spora as the years go by. Still if this relieves me of Dora watching duties then sorry babe, but I'm all for it.
While you are not yet crawling yet, you may as well be. I cannot leave you for a second - the other day I dared to go and pee for 2 seconds while you were on the floor and on my return you were under the coffee table. Not at all bothered by this fact, you just giggled when I had to get down on hands and knees and drag you out.
Zie you have brought us such delight over the past months and you are such a placid easy-going little girl. Your Dad and I look forward to the coming months of crawling, learning to walk and those first delightful words that will come out of your mouth - and I don't mean the vocalisation of dada that your Daddy claims was his name but really we both just know it's the first thing that ALL babies say - but we'll let him enjoy that moment ;)
Love Mummy
x
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A mirror image of my life
for those of you who don't already read her blog - this woman's life could be a mirror image of my own at the moment.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Mummy meltdown
Well it finally happened. That day that was bound to happen when everything just hit me. That day was yesterday. Out of the blue. Like these moments usually do - to catch you off guard. I had Owen's second birthday party to be at by 2pm at Wynnum. 2pm. I mean it's not like it was first thing in the morning. However I had been awake most of the night with a little Zie who has decided that she must be fed every 1.5-2hours and it's killing me. Add that to the fact that it's been going on for a few nights so I was sleep deprived, Dave starts his new job soon and I know that as wonderful as that is it is going to be a stressful transition, I didn't get the job I want so I have to return to my job in 8 days (and counting), Charli is being an inquisitive 2-year old - constantly asking questions and back chatting us, Mum's birthday was on Thursday (she would have been 60)...... well it all just added up to a day when everything just went BLAAAAH. Suddenly this weight just hit me. The thought of trying to get Charli and Zie both fed lunch and dressed, and me dressed (I was still in my pjs at 11am).......it's hard to explain to anyone who has never had 2 kids and been sleep deprived - and by anyone, I mean you have to be the mummy. Because I'm still not convinced that any man has half a clue as to how hard this all is.... I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it's just the way it is.
Anyway, so the breaking point was my lovely little Zie would not stop rolling and I couldn't get her pants on her.... and bam. I am curled up on the bed next to my naked baby crying and sobbing and wondering just how easy it would be to hurt one of them. It's hard to admit that here on a public forum, but I'm going to.... because I think that people are all too quick to gloss over the hardships of parenthood sometimes. I mean, I would never have comprehended how someone could possibly even consider harming their children - before I had kids and hadn't slept properly in over a week. Then the reality was all too close to home.
Then the real kicker. The event to really make me feel guilty as hell for being human and crying? Darling two-year old Charli, inquisitive and caring, comes in, gets up on the bed, starts patting me and questioning "what's wrong mummy? you sad? it's okay."..... over and over and over again. I tried to smile through the tears. Tried to tell myself that no small child should have to see their mummy totally lose it on a Saturday afternoon when in reality we were meant to be going to a party. So I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed and we went to the party. It's a blur. Charli seemed to have a good time - and a big thank you to Shaz who spent most of the afternoon running around after her as I just didn't have the energy.
Anyway, driving home in a daze (Sharon informs me they were driving next to me the whole way home with the girls waving at me from their car and I didn't even notice them) hubby texts and says he's spoken to Mother-in-Law and Charli can stay there for the night. So feeling guilty again I drop her over there and she is now staying there until Monday morning. We had another bad night with Zie and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. Please no suggestions. We've tried them all. I'm not going down the path of controlled crying. I don't feel comfortable co-sleeping with her (I'm not opposed to it I just am so dog tired that I'm not game to), we will be trying the heater tonight, hubby tried giving her formula through the night to give me a break but she screamed for 45 minutes before he was forced to come in and reluctantly wake me to feed her, she's been wrapped, not wrapped, cuddled, burped, she's not in pain as she immediately falls asleep as soon as she comes in to bed with me and takes one suck of my boob... *sigh*..... she just wants her mummy and mummy desperately needs some alone sleep time. This time shall pass. And I'll look back and wonder where the time went. But right now the immediate future seems bleak and sleep deprived and tiring.
Parenthood - who'd do it right? I would. All over again. But just let me say "FUCK". Sometimes it's hard.
Anyway, so the breaking point was my lovely little Zie would not stop rolling and I couldn't get her pants on her.... and bam. I am curled up on the bed next to my naked baby crying and sobbing and wondering just how easy it would be to hurt one of them. It's hard to admit that here on a public forum, but I'm going to.... because I think that people are all too quick to gloss over the hardships of parenthood sometimes. I mean, I would never have comprehended how someone could possibly even consider harming their children - before I had kids and hadn't slept properly in over a week. Then the reality was all too close to home.
Then the real kicker. The event to really make me feel guilty as hell for being human and crying? Darling two-year old Charli, inquisitive and caring, comes in, gets up on the bed, starts patting me and questioning "what's wrong mummy? you sad? it's okay."..... over and over and over again. I tried to smile through the tears. Tried to tell myself that no small child should have to see their mummy totally lose it on a Saturday afternoon when in reality we were meant to be going to a party. So I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed and we went to the party. It's a blur. Charli seemed to have a good time - and a big thank you to Shaz who spent most of the afternoon running around after her as I just didn't have the energy.
Anyway, driving home in a daze (Sharon informs me they were driving next to me the whole way home with the girls waving at me from their car and I didn't even notice them) hubby texts and says he's spoken to Mother-in-Law and Charli can stay there for the night. So feeling guilty again I drop her over there and she is now staying there until Monday morning. We had another bad night with Zie and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. Please no suggestions. We've tried them all. I'm not going down the path of controlled crying. I don't feel comfortable co-sleeping with her (I'm not opposed to it I just am so dog tired that I'm not game to), we will be trying the heater tonight, hubby tried giving her formula through the night to give me a break but she screamed for 45 minutes before he was forced to come in and reluctantly wake me to feed her, she's been wrapped, not wrapped, cuddled, burped, she's not in pain as she immediately falls asleep as soon as she comes in to bed with me and takes one suck of my boob... *sigh*..... she just wants her mummy and mummy desperately needs some alone sleep time. This time shall pass. And I'll look back and wonder where the time went. But right now the immediate future seems bleak and sleep deprived and tiring.
Parenthood - who'd do it right? I would. All over again. But just let me say "FUCK". Sometimes it's hard.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
A lot to answer for....
My PhD examiner who never returned my PhD report that is. Why? I just lost out to another candidate for a postdoctoral position that I really really really wanted. Why? Because this other candidate had their PhD already and yours truly does not. Otherwise I was an exceptional candidate for the job, 'very employable', good experience, fantastic project management skills... blah blah blah. It was actually hard to hear all the positive praise but then still be told I was unsuccessful. Oh well, what's the Zen response to all of this? Perhaps it is best that Dave and I are not both starting new jobs at the same time........ as he was successful in securing a new role that starts next Thursday - yay for hubby.
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