My attempt to rival the Melbourne dessert

Chocolate ganache tarts with fresh whipped cream and fresh strawberries
(tomorrow I'll be repeating this but with my own pastry rather than store-bought)

Memoirs of Melbourne

Hello dear readers.... here I am feeling rather relaxed and refreshed and not at all perturbed by they fact that my 3 year old... for the 652nd time this year alone, does not want to go to bed.... ok well a little put out..... but after the weekend we just had, I'm feeling decidedly more relaxed than I have in a long time.


Bring on ridiculously expensive hotel in Melbourne - The Crown Towers.... want to know where your money goes... check out photos of the room and the view.

The doors to the marble bathroom....

The marble bathtub complete with TV......it was difficult to lay there sipping sparkling wine and listening to Jazz on the telly but I coped somehow.

Here's me ready for a night out drinking the complimentary bubbles they asked if we would like... who says 'no' when asked if they want complimentary alcohol???






And the view from our 20th story room by day......


and by night....



Dave sinking some beers at the Belgian Beer Bar







Just some photos in and around Melbourne... me playing with my camera basically.

Dave at the MCG (world's most boring tour if you don't like cricket or AFL but he enjoyed it)

Iconic Flinders Station

The Arts Centre, or the Museum or The Performing Arts Complex or something lol

Lunch on Saturday because I can never fit dessert in after entree and main so I just went straight to the good stuff.... Chokolait off Little Bourke Street

St Paul's Cathedral

A rock that's shaped like a penis.... just because I'm really juvenile like that ;)

Shot tower.....smack bang in the middle of the old Daimaru building and historical for it's role in manufacturing lead shot - google it :)


The following four shots were taken on the boardwalk at Southbank while I was waiting for Dave to finish his beers back at the Belgian Beer Cafe. I'd raced back to try and get 'on the hour' shots of the gas flames but missed it by about 30 seconds.... having not taken my room key I had about 20 minutes to kill waiting for Dave so I decided to take some night photos... Of course, just because I wanted to look way more professional and serious about photography than I really am, I even laid on the ground to take some of these shots ;)

A wonderful weekend away filled with indulgence, renewed romance and relaxation. Hope you've enjoyed my Melbourne Photoshoot :)

the last month or so in pictures

Shy girl? Nope....


Kiernan's 5th birthday party


riding the car at Kiernan's party (june 2010)


catching up with old neighbours - Sam and Charli - June 2010

Loving my new Digital SLR :)

My Girls

I really love them

hello dear readers,
a dear old friend of mine - someone I've known since before my daughters entered this world, just pointed out in passing today that one day they'd grow up ... that I wouldn't be dealing with the sleeplessness and stuff that i'm dealing with right now. that one day I'd look back on all of all of this and wonder where it went. she's right of course. so just for the record.... while I'm in 'blissful red wine mode'..... I just wanted to let everyone know that they really are my reason for living at the moment... the precious princesses that at some point in each day bring light to my life..... and that they are the threads that connect me with my mum through memories of my own childhood. Charlotte Rose. Mackenzie Grace. I love you both very much. And Madonna? Thank you ;)

xo

Sometimes life is dark......you just have to find the light

Hello dear readers,
this blog for me seems to have become like a poetry diary I had as a teen... filled with all the negative as sort of an outpouring of difficult emotion. Which sort of makes me sad. At one stage I would blog about the things my kids did and some happy events. But I'll try not the dwell, the blog is what the blog is and right now I need it to be my outlet for bleak. I also hope that this entry is a lifeline to those who have felt this way - to know that others out there feel this way and it's ok.

Not sure where to begin really. Life is overwhelming which most of you probably already know. those with children will understand. Those with children under five will totally sympathise. Those of you with GIRLS under five will probably be at this moment sending me cases of wine in commiserations..... (you're sending me wine right?). For a while now... weeks.... months... I'm not really sure, the recurring conversation in our household has been that I don't think that it should be this hard, that life shouldn't be this difficult and challenging ALL THE TIME and that there should be moments of happiness. Usually when these whinings arise Dave and I are both tired and it usually results in something along these lines from Dave ....

Life is hard
Did you expect it to be easy with kids? Why on earth would you ever have thought that?
We do have happy moments but you seem to only remember the bad stuff?
Life is hard
No this is as good as it gets


So in amongst all of that, what I hear is that there is no hope of a light at the end of the tunnel, this is my life, stressed, tired, cranky, whingy kids, screaming kids in the case of the 3 year old...... and while I can sit here now and realise with amazing clarity that it's not really what he's saying, in the midst of the argument that's what I hear, because (and ladies I'm appealing to you hear) - what I really want... no what I really NEED to have happen, is for my other half to pull me up by my bootstrings, acknowledge that I'm feeling overwhelmed, tell me that things will get better and that he loves me very much (oh and ask how he can help me feel less overhwhelmed!!).

What usually happens is so far removed from that ... well it's not funny really.

So last week - I don't know when - darkness hit. I don't know what caused it or when it was exactly - which as a psychologist indicates DEPRESSIVE MOOD DO NOT TRY TO ANALYSE (but of course I spent hours trying to work out what the hell triggered this darkness).
Honestly all I remember of last week is crying. Sitting on the stairs before school with Zie screaming that she wanted to wear some fucking dress that she was going to freeze her arse off in and Charli whining because I hadn't finished printing off her photos for the art competition and me starting out all "I don't give a shit what you wear Zie and Charli shut the hell up" and then BAM. .... there I was on the bottom step, socks in hand just feeling dead inside. Like this was it, I just couldn't go on... and what was the point in it all because really.... I mean the next day would just be the same right (this was on about day 3 by the way.... by Day 3 my husband and I were not longer speaking in sentences of more than 2 words because I had alienated him so much with my despondency and outright anger at the world that he had just withdrawn from me).

So I dropped Charli off at school in tears - the mums are still wondering what the hell THAT was about. I dropped Zie off - I pulled it together and then BAM... I got to go to work and listen to people's problems.... because hey - I wasn't going to have a problem at all keeping my problems and their problems separate that day was I???? Transference and projection anyone?? And so began a painful day of relationship problems (my husband won't talk to me?? hello - you think your husband is bad... let me tell you about mine.... [and no I didn't actually say that dear readers], birth trauma issues that haunted me to the core, parenting problems that just made me want to hug the mum and cry with her because what the hell do I know about dealing with 3 year olds? Mine is ruling my life???).

anyway, you get the idea. Last week was BLACK. And suddenly a very dear old friend of mine.... hugging me at swimming lessons while I bawled my eyes out while my daughter learnt to swim.... she says "oh honey, and I just realised that Mother's Day is in a few days, so wonder you're feeling shit"....and BAM... another black hole hit (though it did give me some insight into my lack of insight as to why life seemed so bleak right now!! so thanks honey).

So I'm angry. And I'm tired. And I'm feeling like my expectations of life lay in tatters on the floor... and are being pissed on too because that's how badly my expectations have been blown apart. And I'm thinking therapy is a good option right now :)

But it's not over yet..... there's a wealth of stories I've not yet told you about my darling 3 year old... and really I won't go into her abysmal behaviour because who wants to remember that years from now.... suffice to say I was a little rough with her on Saturday night (Mother's Day Eve) - well not rough really but physically firm in picking her up but i was furious with her..... and she started screaming that I'd hurt her arm. Long story short.... emergency room, petulant child screaming that I'd hurt her but wouldn't tell me where she hurt, nurse gets her to calm down, has good range of motion and then says her left arm hurts (IT WAS HER RIGHT ARM PEOPLE)... and I stand there stunned that the level of manipulation and guilt from my 3 year old has resulted in me being in a private emergency centre at midnight - fearful of DOCS being called.....and there was nothing wrong..... except that she was pissed at me because she didn't want to clean her teeth ..... SHE DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN HER TEETH.... am I yelling too much in this post??? I burst into tears with relief and wanted to slap her at the same time...... parenting moment anyone?.... Lord. I've never been a religious woman but I've got to admit that I've chanted the serenity poem a few times in the last couple of minutes alone.....

Anyway, I really have no idea where I was going with this post. Mother's Day came and went - I managed to survive mother's day lunch which was lovely but poignant and painful at the same time. My hubby and I are talking again. The fog is slowly lifting.....but I am fearful that it may descend again sometime soon.... and in amongst all of this... a slow burning fear that life is becoming all too stressful again - a fear that sets my little heart a pitter patter at all hours of the night - while I get to lay there telling myself that it is not going to give out on me again... that it's just anxiety..... that I will be here to mourn through another Mother's Day next year..... and I'm safe in the knowledge that something has to change.... I just have to figure out what that 'something' is.

xoxox

Does taste run in families?

Hello dear readers,

About a month ago I got this overwhelming urge to watch a lot of my favourite movies from when I was a kid and one of the movies at the top of my list was the Australian film Blue Fin. Last week it finally arrived at the ABC shop at Chermside and my youngest and I embarked on the trip from hell (that really is another blog entry in itself) to pick it up. I am now proud / embarassed / shocked/ delighted / stunned to say that while I have watched it once since last week, my three and four year old daughters have watched it, in total, eight times !!! since last week. I still can't fathom what the appeal is, to ones so young, of a movie of hardship and life learning aboard a tuna ship :)

Hi myname is Joe.

So Charli comes home from school the other day and starts singing Hi My name is Joe and I work in a window factory....

I burst out laughing - remembering a similar song from camp years ago - and say No Charli, he works in a button factory. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about - YouTube it or just go here. Anyway, so we spend the next half an hour in the backyard no doubt giving the neighbours a good laugh singing this song and arguing about the words.

Flash forward to 3am the next morning and i get up to Charli who is talking in her sleep and I walk in and hear "hi, my name is Joe and I work in a window factory"...... ROFL. And there you have it people - she doesn't pay attention to what I teach her - even in her sleep she defies me ;)

Four year old breaks bad news

Charli, Zie and I driving through the rain tonight. charli gasps from the back seat - I'm all like "what??"...

Charli (solemnly): Mum, I have good news and I have bad news...
Me: Er ok, what's the bad news?
Charli: All those weeds you've pulled out, they've probably grown back.
Me: yeah, I know... bummer huh.
Charli: Yeah, but the good news is that the grass will grow too ..... but probably not as well as the weeds.....

Um... thanks for that bad ... and bad... news lol

I tried to be Type-B but it just wasn't working for me....

So dear readers, as you all know, I've been trying to just 'take it easier' in life since August 2008 when a health scare .... well scared me. I've changed jobs - working as a counselling psychologist two days a week, and trying to just 'chill' a little in the parenting department. But last night that all went up in flames when I decided to become a tupperware consultant :) I can't help it - I love tupperware (and yes I do realise how Type-A that is in itself lol). And I don't know anyone who sells it, plus I love people, socialising AND parties... so it just seemed logical don't you see? I've booked to do four demonstrations in the next 16 days so I'm just chilling out haha..... Book a demonstration with me NOW lol it'll be fun.

On children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Little Susie Homemaker

Hello Dear Readers,
I think today I came as close as I'll ever come to being the perfect housewife ;)
Up early tending to my children, I had them dressed, fed and ready for school about 2 hours before we had to be there (that was a mistake in hindsight that I will not make again lol)... and after dropping my eldest at Prep I returned with my littlie and set her up for a morning of painting while I conducted my exercises (you know, to get myself taut and terrific for my husband as every good wife should). I morning-tea-ed my daughter and I and then embarked on preparing dinner - chicken, bacon and mushroom vol-au-vents. Dinner in the fridge ready to be baked as soon as my husband wanted dinner (haha), I managed to get my daughter to agree to a rest while I folded the washing that had been drying all morning (admittedly I watched telly as I did this rather than multi-tasking some other domestic chore). Nap-time over and washing folded and put away, we played for a little while before picking Charli up from school and then Dave up from the train station. We returned home at which point I sat and did craft at the table with the girls (and in the process did up a reward chart for our youngest to aide with bedtime and feeding issues). I then served an early dinner so that I could primp and preen and get the children ready for bed - and get to a prep meeting at the school. I returned to make lunches, pour a glass of wine and iron some shirts for my husband who just received a promotion today.... I didn't follow him to bed to perform my wifely duties so i guess I failed there - but up until that point I was pretty 'perfect' wouldn't you say lol.... enjoy it Dave, it probably won't happen again ;)

Why you should not rely on your kids for your self-esteem

Charli watching an advertisement for Lite n Easy:

C: Mum, do you want to get thinner?
Me: Well actually Charli I am trying to lose a little weight. (I've only been exercising for 3 days mind you).
C: Well do you know what you have to do? You have to eat healthy.
Me: Thanks Charli, I have been eating healthier lately?
C: Really? Well you're not really looking thinner....

Er.... thanks.

She's been gone for one-fifth of my life now.

My dearest dearest mum,
I've just finished watching the time traveller's wife and am sobbing - not because the movie was that sad, though it was - but because I'm struck with this deep deep need to be able to travel back in time - to spend that last night with you, telling you over and over again just how great you were. I want to be able to bundle up my sleeping beauties upstairs and take them with me and show you them..... show you what beautiful granddaughters you have ...... because it's truly truly unfair that you never got to meet them. But they know you mum, I need you to know that. They listen to the tape you made of me when i was two - listening to you reading me bedtime stories... it's on my MP3 player and they ask to 'listen to grandma' while they go to sleep. They love you mum, as much as I know you would - and somehow do - love them.

I find myself struggling with your death more in the last few months than I have for a long time. Much of this has to do with my work as I'm counselling now mum and I'm a bad-ass counsellor like you were ;) no time for bullshit in my sessions - I just tell it like it is ;) But I've had a lot of clients lately with grief problems - clients who are still not functioning and grieving at high levels years and years after a parent has died. And it's bringing up huge amounts of stuff for me - stuff I thought I was ok with that it turns out I'm a little less okay with than I realised. But I'll work through it... I mean I have to right - can't have any of this pesky transference going on in sessions ;)

I'm not going to rabbit on tonight, I feel a little emotionally raw right now ..... the desperation to be able to see you and speak to you a little too close to the surface so I'll just sign off ..... and will go and sleep next to my daughters for a little while - and touch their faces and stroke their hair and hope that you can see them from wherever you are tonight.

I love you always.
xo

late night ramblings

How dear readers, could I be asleep as sound as sound as can be not an hour ago while trying to watch The Big Bang Theory, but then Dave turns off the TV, settles down to go to sleep next to me and I'm wide awake wondering why I can be sooo very tired but not able to sleep? Tonight my thoughts are of mum, of my absent father, of relationships and marriage and children and parenting. Thoughts are of my clients - whose problems I am so easily able to dole out advice about, sort through, strategise about. My problems seem larger than life, when in fact I know they are not. My mindfulness training teaches me to acknowledges these thoughts but not hold on to them - to not let them overpower me. Tonight my training is failing me :)

You know your daughter watches too much of The Simpsons...

when she's swaggering around the house singing out "Hi every-bahdy" like Dr Nick Riveria from the Simpsons ... hilarious.

My life in houses...

I borrowed this idea from Edwina and I must say I love the idea. it's my life in houses.... all the places that I've lived since I was born.



Age: Birth - 2 years
Info: This was my aunt's house and the house that my mum and I lived in until I was about 2 years old - at which time she finally became eligible for a Queensland Housing Commission home in Stafford... and it was time to go out on our own :)

__________________________________________________________

Age: 2 years - 20 years (1976-1994)
Info: This is the house of my childhood. Most of my childhood memories centre around this house and when I think of happy times with my mum, this is the home I picture her in. It may not have been our house but she made it my home growing up - and a happy childhood it was.

________________________________________________________________

Age: 20 years-23 years (1994 - 1997)
Info: This is the first home my mum ever owned and for that reason it will always be special to me because it was so very special to her. Unfortunately this home still holds many memories of my mum's illness and death for me... the months of caring for her, visiting her, fighting with her..... maybe I'll work through these one day. I hope so.
However, due to the financial crisis of 2008 and our desire to upgrade our family home, we had to sell this home.

____________________________________________________

Age: 23 (Aug 1997- Jan 1998)
Info: I moved out with my then current boyfriend's best friend Nick into my first share house. we had lots of fun times here. Good memories of this house ... but they were short lived as our lease was not renewed after 6 months as the owner's daughter wanted to move in.. yeah thanks for that.... so Nick and I moved on.
Interesting fact: This house turned out to be owned by one of Dave's friend's dad - so that he'd already been to parties in this house before I had!!!

_____________________________________________

Age: 23-25 (Jan 1998 - Oct 1999)
Interesting fact: This house was haunted - a fact that Sueann and I thought was great (Sueann moved in with us after a few months) but a fact that TOTALLY freaked Nick out - girly wuss ;)
I moved out of this house when after numerous housemate changes due to work changes and engagements etc etc, the housemate situation went stale for me and Dave and Geoff kindly offered to take me into their home until I got back from Africa and could look for somewhere new ......

____________________________________

Age: 25-33 (1999-2008)
Info: This house was where Dave was living with his Nan until she had a stroke and had to go and live with his folks. Then Geoff moved in to share the house and then I came along to camp out here until I went to Africa (the plan being to look for somewhere new to live when I got back). That didn't go to plan however when Dave and I went from housemates to soulmates and started actually living together. In 2001, we bought the place from his Nan and we owned our first home together.

Interesting fact: After we had the girls we realised that they were the fifth generation of Rogers to live in the house given that his great-Nan had lived there for some time before she died.

______________________________________________________

Age: 33-34 (Jan 2008 - Dec 2008)

Info: At the end of 2007 I could stand the size of our beloved Mitchy home no longer - it was two small for a family of four in this day and age (his grandparents did it no problems but then they didn't have 3 computers, a printer, scanner, server, media centre etc etc etc to house) !!
We had to-ed and fro-ed forever re: do we renovate, knock down and rebuild or just move.... so rather than make a quick decision we moved into the above house - kindly rented to us by friends who were moving to Vic - until we could decide what to do about our living situation.

___________________________________________________

Age: 34 - onwards (2008 - ???)

Info: After spending a very tumultuous 2008 at our Kedron home the decision was made not to renovate our Mitchy home or knock down and rebuild due to the anticipated stress!!! So while I was off work i started trawling the Real Estate sites for our new home - criteria? LOTS OF SPACE.... and I found it. Of course lots of space often translates into "ugly 70's brick monstrosity" but we decided (after much prompting by Dave to convince me ugly was fixable) to buy the big house and be able to make those lovely aesthetic changes at our own pace while still having enough space that I wouldn't feel the need to kill anyone for some room :)
It's been a great first year here (it will be our first anniversary in about 12 days) - and I'm enjoying the 'renovating at our own pace because nothing is desperately in need of doing'..... updated pics of before and after shots of various spaces in the house to follow soon......

And there you have my life in houses dear readers .... care to share yours?

And so I finally make a return to blogging

Hello dear readers,
Alas it has been too long... and to what do I owe my excuse - to Facebook of course, and by associatiation, my cardiac arrest because until I was stuck at home convalescing last year, I had staunchly refused to accept any invitations to join Facebook.... and now I know why!!! TIMEWASTER OF THE CENTURY!! :)

The reason for this very belated post, is in fact in response to a Facebook status update where I recently decided it was wise (ok I didn't decide it was wise so much as I flippantly posted a status update without thinking that it would spark 1000 very reasonable questions from lovely caring friends) to post a status update about my recent neuropsychological testing that confirmed my suspicion that I had indeed acquired some brain damage after my bout of oxygen deprivation last August (see here if you have absolutely no idea what on earth I'm talking about).

Since my very slow (emotionally and cognitively) recovery last August I've been grappling with memory and 'brain' issues and my husband can attest to my complete lack of memory for seemingly inane things on a day to day level - like leaving the hose running for 5 hours and pretty much depleting our water tank, etc etc etc.....

So I recently chatted to an ex-housemate of mine who is now a paediatric neuropsych and so he suggested that I go and see a particular neuropsych who as it happens also operates out of Prince Charles so I was able to see him as an outpatient under Medicare - all the better as I know how much those pesky psychologists charge privately ;)

So I got a referral from my GP and managed to get in (very quickly as it happens... helps to know some people who know people) last Friday and had some follow-up testing today. OMG. To be on the other side of psych testing - hour after hour after hour of question after question after question... it was EXHAUSTING. I especially liked the point last Friday where I hit a wall (of fatigue and hunger and who knows what) when he gave me a list of 5 words and I was supposed to repeat them and I looked at him and had to say "I have absolutely no idea what you just said!!"

So anyway, memory tests, concentration tests, attention tests, intelligence tests.... and on and on and on. I even got to do a personality test but that was just to help out an intern who needed to add some psych testing to her internship hours.

First though I'm going to digress and explain why I really got this testing done - it wasn't just about the forgetting hoses or washing on the line or forgetting to return calls.... - it had a lot to do with work. I had quit my job early in the year after attempting to return and having an absolute panic attack about it. I've been struggling in some casual work ever since - and can't even explain why I'm struggling... I just can't seem to really focus on it at all. And I started to worry that my issues were psychological in terms of stress and anxiety and that perhaps I had unresolved issues regarding my cardiac arrest etc etc etc. So I guess I wanted to lay to rest - was this a physical/cognitive issue or one of anxiety/stress and a psychological nature.

And as it turns out, I have been completely vindicated in my decision to quit my job (I was a project manager by the way - attempting to keep 25 balls juggling in the air at any one time)..... turns out that I don't have memory problems per se. What I have are attention deficits.... this fluctuating ability to attend to things which means that I miss vast chunks of things that I'm told or am meant to be remembering - if I can't jumptstart myself to attend, then I can get it into my short term memory and we have not problems. If I zone on you.. then chances are I'm going to remember nothing you said (remember that people, it will be my ongoing excuse).
The other problem I have is with dual processing - attending to more than one thing at once - which explains my recent inability to listen to someone on the phone while listening to my daughter ask for a drink of water which results in me having an absolute meltdown out of proportion to the situation. Finally, while my executive functioning is still superior (their words not mine)... and apparently I'm still quite smart :) my processing time is lagging a little, which means that I can still get there, but it takes me longer. This is resulting in me getting a bit frustrated and anxious and stressed - raiising cortisone levels - and resulting in even poorer attention and round and round and round we go. He said he could sit there and watch me on tests and physically see me getting pissed at myself that I wasn't doing things as fast as I wanted and then BAM my performance would get even worse....

So... I have to go because my 4 year old won't stop talking to me and I can't focus on her and typing ;) ...... all in all I feel better. I feel better that I was right to quit a job that required HUGE amounts of dual processing and information processing in general.... I feel better that there is a reason that I forget to bring in the clothes off the line after 3 days..... all in all I just feel better.

There's not huge amounts they can do, but I have some strategies... and I'm armed with knowledge. More knowledge than I've had since this happened in August and for a type-a that's very important.

So there you have it people... I'm brain damaged but still bright ;) So you can put one over on me, but not for long... I'll figure it out eventually... it might just take me a bit longer.

Thanks everyone for the concern.

xo

Mine can talk to the strawberries

Charli: Mum, at school they teach us that if we talk to the plants they like it, and grow.
Me: Really? Are you sure? (seems a bit hippy for our childcare)
Charli: Yep (walks over to strawberry plant in pot we've not yet planted and says) - "Hi Strawberry, how you going? I like you....... don't die ok?"

Ok-aaaaay.