Anniversary Blooms

Our garden

Hello dear readers.... well it's been awhile since I've posted anything to do with our house... and as part of my new 'inner harmony' kick I'm on - and given it's such a gorgeous time of the year - I'm trying to spend at least 10 minutes in the garden each day to 'decompress'. You may remember when we first moved in, the extensive landscaping we had done to 'tier' the backyard and make it a bit more user-friendly... if not, see here and here and here.

I have to confess that the vegie patch never really eventuated. Our backyard cops the full force of the afternoon queensland sun AND backing on to a reserve we seem to have our fair share of possums and other wildlife that LOVED my crops as soon as they used to come to fruition, so I gave that away for now. However, here are some recent pics of the planted gardens.... as you can see, it will be a lot of hard work to get this fully planted up and looking good by September 2012, which is my goal... but I'm getting there.

Five years, 4 months and 3 days

.... after she's born and I finally get around to putting the first picture on my pregnant belly cast that Sharon helped me to make all those years ago.... stay tuned for pics.

Remembering my mum as I wash my girls' faces

Ok.... so a few weeks ago, I'm washing the girls' faces in the bath using a washer with some cartoons on them. I have a variety of these.. some are fish, some are bunnies, some are kittens and dogs or whatever and they are in a rainbow assortment of colours.

the funny thing is, I didn't get these washers after the girls were born, I wasn't even given these washers as a baby shower gift. My mum gave me these washers sometime after I'd moved out of home and was living with Dave - before we were married I think (yes we lived in sin shock horror lol) - it may have been the year before she died, I can't really remember. I DO remember however thinking, "oh my goodness, I'm in my late 20's... why on earth is my mum giving me cartoon face cloths for goodness sake?".... I remember that I must have had a confused look on my face and she laughed and said "don't take it too seriously, I saw them at a market and I thought they were cute and you could use them". I don't remember what I said. But cartoon face cloths? Ok mum... thanks. Giggle. She used to give some strange and fun presents so it was no big deal.

It was not until I was scrubbing the paint from my daughter's face - with one of these cartoon washers - that it occurred to me that maybe she gave them to me, knowing full well that she would never meet her grandchildren... would never get to give them a bath or read them bed time stories. It has just occurred to me that my mum gave me cartoon washers when I was 27 years old knowing that one day I would be washing their faces with them... and I'd think of her... and I'd smile. Yes... I think that's what she was doing.

2 year anniversary...

Hello dear readers... no not a two year anniversary of a relationship readers but a 2 year anniversary celebrating the life that is... but nearly wasn't. Two years ago to this day I was hovering somewhere in a sub-38 degree celsius induced coma after suffering a fatal/near fatal cardiac arrest. Today has been emotional and to be honest it hit me out of the blue... to be honest I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm really as insightful as I've always thought i was.... hmm.

I spent the day with my girls but without my husband as he's on call for work. Parks, picnics, playing and all the while all I could think about what that this was my second chance. The universe has allowed me to see them aged 3 and 5.... when in reality if it weren't for some stroke of universal luck/ fate / god's hand/ what have you... I may have ceased to have seen their lives beyond 1 and 3........ today that hit me full force and I've downed at least a bottle of wine, bathed in a hot radox bath and kissed them 1000 times before tucking them into bed...... and I'm still a little shaky. I sense that sleep may not come easy tonight... so many possibilities are swirling through my head and while I know the 'what if' game is pointless, tonight I am playing it nonetheless.

Sweet dreams.

xo

My attempt to rival the Melbourne dessert

Chocolate ganache tarts with fresh whipped cream and fresh strawberries
(tomorrow I'll be repeating this but with my own pastry rather than store-bought)

Memoirs of Melbourne

Hello dear readers.... here I am feeling rather relaxed and refreshed and not at all perturbed by they fact that my 3 year old... for the 652nd time this year alone, does not want to go to bed.... ok well a little put out..... but after the weekend we just had, I'm feeling decidedly more relaxed than I have in a long time.


Bring on ridiculously expensive hotel in Melbourne - The Crown Towers.... want to know where your money goes... check out photos of the room and the view.

The doors to the marble bathroom....

The marble bathtub complete with TV......it was difficult to lay there sipping sparkling wine and listening to Jazz on the telly but I coped somehow.

Here's me ready for a night out drinking the complimentary bubbles they asked if we would like... who says 'no' when asked if they want complimentary alcohol???






And the view from our 20th story room by day......


and by night....



Dave sinking some beers at the Belgian Beer Bar







Just some photos in and around Melbourne... me playing with my camera basically.

Dave at the MCG (world's most boring tour if you don't like cricket or AFL but he enjoyed it)

Iconic Flinders Station

The Arts Centre, or the Museum or The Performing Arts Complex or something lol

Lunch on Saturday because I can never fit dessert in after entree and main so I just went straight to the good stuff.... Chokolait off Little Bourke Street

St Paul's Cathedral

A rock that's shaped like a penis.... just because I'm really juvenile like that ;)

Shot tower.....smack bang in the middle of the old Daimaru building and historical for it's role in manufacturing lead shot - google it :)


The following four shots were taken on the boardwalk at Southbank while I was waiting for Dave to finish his beers back at the Belgian Beer Cafe. I'd raced back to try and get 'on the hour' shots of the gas flames but missed it by about 30 seconds.... having not taken my room key I had about 20 minutes to kill waiting for Dave so I decided to take some night photos... Of course, just because I wanted to look way more professional and serious about photography than I really am, I even laid on the ground to take some of these shots ;)

A wonderful weekend away filled with indulgence, renewed romance and relaxation. Hope you've enjoyed my Melbourne Photoshoot :)

the last month or so in pictures

Shy girl? Nope....


Kiernan's 5th birthday party


riding the car at Kiernan's party (june 2010)


catching up with old neighbours - Sam and Charli - June 2010

Loving my new Digital SLR :)

My Girls

I really love them

hello dear readers,
a dear old friend of mine - someone I've known since before my daughters entered this world, just pointed out in passing today that one day they'd grow up ... that I wouldn't be dealing with the sleeplessness and stuff that i'm dealing with right now. that one day I'd look back on all of all of this and wonder where it went. she's right of course. so just for the record.... while I'm in 'blissful red wine mode'..... I just wanted to let everyone know that they really are my reason for living at the moment... the precious princesses that at some point in each day bring light to my life..... and that they are the threads that connect me with my mum through memories of my own childhood. Charlotte Rose. Mackenzie Grace. I love you both very much. And Madonna? Thank you ;)

xo

Sometimes life is dark......you just have to find the light

Hello dear readers,
this blog for me seems to have become like a poetry diary I had as a teen... filled with all the negative as sort of an outpouring of difficult emotion. Which sort of makes me sad. At one stage I would blog about the things my kids did and some happy events. But I'll try not the dwell, the blog is what the blog is and right now I need it to be my outlet for bleak. I also hope that this entry is a lifeline to those who have felt this way - to know that others out there feel this way and it's ok.

Not sure where to begin really. Life is overwhelming which most of you probably already know. those with children will understand. Those with children under five will totally sympathise. Those of you with GIRLS under five will probably be at this moment sending me cases of wine in commiserations..... (you're sending me wine right?). For a while now... weeks.... months... I'm not really sure, the recurring conversation in our household has been that I don't think that it should be this hard, that life shouldn't be this difficult and challenging ALL THE TIME and that there should be moments of happiness. Usually when these whinings arise Dave and I are both tired and it usually results in something along these lines from Dave ....

Life is hard
Did you expect it to be easy with kids? Why on earth would you ever have thought that?
We do have happy moments but you seem to only remember the bad stuff?
Life is hard
No this is as good as it gets


So in amongst all of that, what I hear is that there is no hope of a light at the end of the tunnel, this is my life, stressed, tired, cranky, whingy kids, screaming kids in the case of the 3 year old...... and while I can sit here now and realise with amazing clarity that it's not really what he's saying, in the midst of the argument that's what I hear, because (and ladies I'm appealing to you hear) - what I really want... no what I really NEED to have happen, is for my other half to pull me up by my bootstrings, acknowledge that I'm feeling overwhelmed, tell me that things will get better and that he loves me very much (oh and ask how he can help me feel less overhwhelmed!!).

What usually happens is so far removed from that ... well it's not funny really.

So last week - I don't know when - darkness hit. I don't know what caused it or when it was exactly - which as a psychologist indicates DEPRESSIVE MOOD DO NOT TRY TO ANALYSE (but of course I spent hours trying to work out what the hell triggered this darkness).
Honestly all I remember of last week is crying. Sitting on the stairs before school with Zie screaming that she wanted to wear some fucking dress that she was going to freeze her arse off in and Charli whining because I hadn't finished printing off her photos for the art competition and me starting out all "I don't give a shit what you wear Zie and Charli shut the hell up" and then BAM. .... there I was on the bottom step, socks in hand just feeling dead inside. Like this was it, I just couldn't go on... and what was the point in it all because really.... I mean the next day would just be the same right (this was on about day 3 by the way.... by Day 3 my husband and I were not longer speaking in sentences of more than 2 words because I had alienated him so much with my despondency and outright anger at the world that he had just withdrawn from me).

So I dropped Charli off at school in tears - the mums are still wondering what the hell THAT was about. I dropped Zie off - I pulled it together and then BAM... I got to go to work and listen to people's problems.... because hey - I wasn't going to have a problem at all keeping my problems and their problems separate that day was I???? Transference and projection anyone?? And so began a painful day of relationship problems (my husband won't talk to me?? hello - you think your husband is bad... let me tell you about mine.... [and no I didn't actually say that dear readers], birth trauma issues that haunted me to the core, parenting problems that just made me want to hug the mum and cry with her because what the hell do I know about dealing with 3 year olds? Mine is ruling my life???).

anyway, you get the idea. Last week was BLACK. And suddenly a very dear old friend of mine.... hugging me at swimming lessons while I bawled my eyes out while my daughter learnt to swim.... she says "oh honey, and I just realised that Mother's Day is in a few days, so wonder you're feeling shit"....and BAM... another black hole hit (though it did give me some insight into my lack of insight as to why life seemed so bleak right now!! so thanks honey).

So I'm angry. And I'm tired. And I'm feeling like my expectations of life lay in tatters on the floor... and are being pissed on too because that's how badly my expectations have been blown apart. And I'm thinking therapy is a good option right now :)

But it's not over yet..... there's a wealth of stories I've not yet told you about my darling 3 year old... and really I won't go into her abysmal behaviour because who wants to remember that years from now.... suffice to say I was a little rough with her on Saturday night (Mother's Day Eve) - well not rough really but physically firm in picking her up but i was furious with her..... and she started screaming that I'd hurt her arm. Long story short.... emergency room, petulant child screaming that I'd hurt her but wouldn't tell me where she hurt, nurse gets her to calm down, has good range of motion and then says her left arm hurts (IT WAS HER RIGHT ARM PEOPLE)... and I stand there stunned that the level of manipulation and guilt from my 3 year old has resulted in me being in a private emergency centre at midnight - fearful of DOCS being called.....and there was nothing wrong..... except that she was pissed at me because she didn't want to clean her teeth ..... SHE DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN HER TEETH.... am I yelling too much in this post??? I burst into tears with relief and wanted to slap her at the same time...... parenting moment anyone?.... Lord. I've never been a religious woman but I've got to admit that I've chanted the serenity poem a few times in the last couple of minutes alone.....

Anyway, I really have no idea where I was going with this post. Mother's Day came and went - I managed to survive mother's day lunch which was lovely but poignant and painful at the same time. My hubby and I are talking again. The fog is slowly lifting.....but I am fearful that it may descend again sometime soon.... and in amongst all of this... a slow burning fear that life is becoming all too stressful again - a fear that sets my little heart a pitter patter at all hours of the night - while I get to lay there telling myself that it is not going to give out on me again... that it's just anxiety..... that I will be here to mourn through another Mother's Day next year..... and I'm safe in the knowledge that something has to change.... I just have to figure out what that 'something' is.

xoxox

Does taste run in families?

Hello dear readers,

About a month ago I got this overwhelming urge to watch a lot of my favourite movies from when I was a kid and one of the movies at the top of my list was the Australian film Blue Fin. Last week it finally arrived at the ABC shop at Chermside and my youngest and I embarked on the trip from hell (that really is another blog entry in itself) to pick it up. I am now proud / embarassed / shocked/ delighted / stunned to say that while I have watched it once since last week, my three and four year old daughters have watched it, in total, eight times !!! since last week. I still can't fathom what the appeal is, to ones so young, of a movie of hardship and life learning aboard a tuna ship :)

Hi myname is Joe.

So Charli comes home from school the other day and starts singing Hi My name is Joe and I work in a window factory....

I burst out laughing - remembering a similar song from camp years ago - and say No Charli, he works in a button factory. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about - YouTube it or just go here. Anyway, so we spend the next half an hour in the backyard no doubt giving the neighbours a good laugh singing this song and arguing about the words.

Flash forward to 3am the next morning and i get up to Charli who is talking in her sleep and I walk in and hear "hi, my name is Joe and I work in a window factory"...... ROFL. And there you have it people - she doesn't pay attention to what I teach her - even in her sleep she defies me ;)

Four year old breaks bad news

Charli, Zie and I driving through the rain tonight. charli gasps from the back seat - I'm all like "what??"...

Charli (solemnly): Mum, I have good news and I have bad news...
Me: Er ok, what's the bad news?
Charli: All those weeds you've pulled out, they've probably grown back.
Me: yeah, I know... bummer huh.
Charli: Yeah, but the good news is that the grass will grow too ..... but probably not as well as the weeds.....

Um... thanks for that bad ... and bad... news lol

I tried to be Type-B but it just wasn't working for me....

So dear readers, as you all know, I've been trying to just 'take it easier' in life since August 2008 when a health scare .... well scared me. I've changed jobs - working as a counselling psychologist two days a week, and trying to just 'chill' a little in the parenting department. But last night that all went up in flames when I decided to become a tupperware consultant :) I can't help it - I love tupperware (and yes I do realise how Type-A that is in itself lol). And I don't know anyone who sells it, plus I love people, socialising AND parties... so it just seemed logical don't you see? I've booked to do four demonstrations in the next 16 days so I'm just chilling out haha..... Book a demonstration with me NOW lol it'll be fun.

On children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Little Susie Homemaker

Hello Dear Readers,
I think today I came as close as I'll ever come to being the perfect housewife ;)
Up early tending to my children, I had them dressed, fed and ready for school about 2 hours before we had to be there (that was a mistake in hindsight that I will not make again lol)... and after dropping my eldest at Prep I returned with my littlie and set her up for a morning of painting while I conducted my exercises (you know, to get myself taut and terrific for my husband as every good wife should). I morning-tea-ed my daughter and I and then embarked on preparing dinner - chicken, bacon and mushroom vol-au-vents. Dinner in the fridge ready to be baked as soon as my husband wanted dinner (haha), I managed to get my daughter to agree to a rest while I folded the washing that had been drying all morning (admittedly I watched telly as I did this rather than multi-tasking some other domestic chore). Nap-time over and washing folded and put away, we played for a little while before picking Charli up from school and then Dave up from the train station. We returned home at which point I sat and did craft at the table with the girls (and in the process did up a reward chart for our youngest to aide with bedtime and feeding issues). I then served an early dinner so that I could primp and preen and get the children ready for bed - and get to a prep meeting at the school. I returned to make lunches, pour a glass of wine and iron some shirts for my husband who just received a promotion today.... I didn't follow him to bed to perform my wifely duties so i guess I failed there - but up until that point I was pretty 'perfect' wouldn't you say lol.... enjoy it Dave, it probably won't happen again ;)

Why you should not rely on your kids for your self-esteem

Charli watching an advertisement for Lite n Easy:

C: Mum, do you want to get thinner?
Me: Well actually Charli I am trying to lose a little weight. (I've only been exercising for 3 days mind you).
C: Well do you know what you have to do? You have to eat healthy.
Me: Thanks Charli, I have been eating healthier lately?
C: Really? Well you're not really looking thinner....

Er.... thanks.

She's been gone for one-fifth of my life now.

My dearest dearest mum,
I've just finished watching the time traveller's wife and am sobbing - not because the movie was that sad, though it was - but because I'm struck with this deep deep need to be able to travel back in time - to spend that last night with you, telling you over and over again just how great you were. I want to be able to bundle up my sleeping beauties upstairs and take them with me and show you them..... show you what beautiful granddaughters you have ...... because it's truly truly unfair that you never got to meet them. But they know you mum, I need you to know that. They listen to the tape you made of me when i was two - listening to you reading me bedtime stories... it's on my MP3 player and they ask to 'listen to grandma' while they go to sleep. They love you mum, as much as I know you would - and somehow do - love them.

I find myself struggling with your death more in the last few months than I have for a long time. Much of this has to do with my work as I'm counselling now mum and I'm a bad-ass counsellor like you were ;) no time for bullshit in my sessions - I just tell it like it is ;) But I've had a lot of clients lately with grief problems - clients who are still not functioning and grieving at high levels years and years after a parent has died. And it's bringing up huge amounts of stuff for me - stuff I thought I was ok with that it turns out I'm a little less okay with than I realised. But I'll work through it... I mean I have to right - can't have any of this pesky transference going on in sessions ;)

I'm not going to rabbit on tonight, I feel a little emotionally raw right now ..... the desperation to be able to see you and speak to you a little too close to the surface so I'll just sign off ..... and will go and sleep next to my daughters for a little while - and touch their faces and stroke their hair and hope that you can see them from wherever you are tonight.

I love you always.
xo