Hello dear readers,
Alas it has been too long... and to what do I owe my excuse - to Facebook of course, and by associatiation, my cardiac arrest because until I was stuck at home convalescing last year, I had staunchly refused to accept any invitations to join Facebook.... and now I know why!!! TIMEWASTER OF THE CENTURY!! :)
The reason for this very belated post, is in fact in response to a Facebook status update where I recently decided it was wise (ok I didn't decide it was wise so much as I flippantly posted a status update without thinking that it would spark 1000 very reasonable questions from lovely caring friends) to post a status update about my recent neuropsychological testing that confirmed my suspicion that I had indeed acquired some brain damage after my bout of oxygen deprivation last August (see here if you have absolutely no idea what on earth I'm talking about).
Since my very slow (emotionally and cognitively) recovery last August I've been grappling with memory and 'brain' issues and my husband can attest to my complete lack of memory for seemingly inane things on a day to day level - like leaving the hose running for 5 hours and pretty much depleting our water tank, etc etc etc.....
So I recently chatted to an ex-housemate of mine who is now a paediatric neuropsych and so he suggested that I go and see a particular neuropsych who as it happens also operates out of Prince Charles so I was able to see him as an outpatient under Medicare - all the better as I know how much those pesky psychologists charge privately ;)
So I got a referral from my GP and managed to get in (very quickly as it happens... helps to know some people who know people) last Friday and had some follow-up testing today. OMG. To be on the other side of psych testing - hour after hour after hour of question after question after question... it was EXHAUSTING. I especially liked the point last Friday where I hit a wall (of fatigue and hunger and who knows what) when he gave me a list of 5 words and I was supposed to repeat them and I looked at him and had to say "I have absolutely no idea what you just said!!"
So anyway, memory tests, concentration tests, attention tests, intelligence tests.... and on and on and on. I even got to do a personality test but that was just to help out an intern who needed to add some psych testing to her internship hours.
First though I'm going to digress and explain why I really got this testing done - it wasn't just about the forgetting hoses or washing on the line or forgetting to return calls.... - it had a lot to do with work. I had quit my job early in the year after attempting to return and having an absolute panic attack about it. I've been struggling in some casual work ever since - and can't even explain why I'm struggling... I just can't seem to really focus on it at all. And I started to worry that my issues were psychological in terms of stress and anxiety and that perhaps I had unresolved issues regarding my cardiac arrest etc etc etc. So I guess I wanted to lay to rest - was this a physical/cognitive issue or one of anxiety/stress and a psychological nature.
And as it turns out, I have been completely vindicated in my decision to quit my job (I was a project manager by the way - attempting to keep 25 balls juggling in the air at any one time)..... turns out that I don't have memory problems per se. What I have are attention deficits.... this fluctuating ability to attend to things which means that I miss vast chunks of things that I'm told or am meant to be remembering - if I can't jumptstart myself to attend, then I can get it into my short term memory and we have not problems. If I zone on you.. then chances are I'm going to remember nothing you said (remember that people, it will be my ongoing excuse).
The other problem I have is with dual processing - attending to more than one thing at once - which explains my recent inability to listen to someone on the phone while listening to my daughter ask for a drink of water which results in me having an absolute meltdown out of proportion to the situation. Finally, while my executive functioning is still superior (their words not mine)... and apparently I'm still quite smart :) my processing time is lagging a little, which means that I can still get there, but it takes me longer. This is resulting in me getting a bit frustrated and anxious and stressed - raiising cortisone levels - and resulting in even poorer attention and round and round and round we go. He said he could sit there and watch me on tests and physically see me getting pissed at myself that I wasn't doing things as fast as I wanted and then BAM my performance would get even worse....
So... I have to go because my 4 year old won't stop talking to me and I can't focus on her and typing ;) ...... all in all I feel better. I feel better that I was right to quit a job that required HUGE amounts of dual processing and information processing in general.... I feel better that there is a reason that I forget to bring in the clothes off the line after 3 days..... all in all I just feel better.
There's not huge amounts they can do, but I have some strategies... and I'm armed with knowledge. More knowledge than I've had since this happened in August and for a type-a that's very important.
So there you have it people... I'm brain damaged but still bright ;) So you can put one over on me, but not for long... I'll figure it out eventually... it might just take me a bit longer.
Thanks everyone for the concern.
xo
