My dearest dearest mum,
I've just finished watching the time traveller's wife and am sobbing - not because the movie was that sad, though it was - but because I'm struck with this deep deep need to be able to travel back in time - to spend that last night with you, telling you over and over again just how great you were. I want to be able to bundle up my sleeping beauties upstairs and take them with me and show you them..... show you what beautiful granddaughters you have ...... because it's truly truly unfair that you never got to meet them. But they know you mum, I need you to know that. They listen to the tape you made of me when i was two - listening to you reading me bedtime stories... it's on my MP3 player and they ask to 'listen to grandma' while they go to sleep. They love you mum, as much as I know you would - and somehow do - love them.
I find myself struggling with your death more in the last few months than I have for a long time. Much of this has to do with my work as I'm counselling now mum and I'm a bad-ass counsellor like you were ;) no time for bullshit in my sessions - I just tell it like it is ;) But I've had a lot of clients lately with grief problems - clients who are still not functioning and grieving at high levels years and years after a parent has died. And it's bringing up huge amounts of stuff for me - stuff I thought I was ok with that it turns out I'm a little less okay with than I realised. But I'll work through it... I mean I have to right - can't have any of this pesky transference going on in sessions ;)
I'm not going to rabbit on tonight, I feel a little emotionally raw right now ..... the desperation to be able to see you and speak to you a little too close to the surface so I'll just sign off ..... and will go and sleep next to my daughters for a little while - and touch their faces and stroke their hair and hope that you can see them from wherever you are tonight.
I love you always.
xo
