late night ramblings

How dear readers, could I be asleep as sound as sound as can be not an hour ago while trying to watch The Big Bang Theory, but then Dave turns off the TV, settles down to go to sleep next to me and I'm wide awake wondering why I can be sooo very tired but not able to sleep? Tonight my thoughts are of mum, of my absent father, of relationships and marriage and children and parenting. Thoughts are of my clients - whose problems I am so easily able to dole out advice about, sort through, strategise about. My problems seem larger than life, when in fact I know they are not. My mindfulness training teaches me to acknowledges these thoughts but not hold on to them - to not let them overpower me. Tonight my training is failing me :)

You know your daughter watches too much of The Simpsons...

when she's swaggering around the house singing out "Hi every-bahdy" like Dr Nick Riveria from the Simpsons ... hilarious.

My life in houses...

I borrowed this idea from Edwina and I must say I love the idea. it's my life in houses.... all the places that I've lived since I was born.



Age: Birth - 2 years
Info: This was my aunt's house and the house that my mum and I lived in until I was about 2 years old - at which time she finally became eligible for a Queensland Housing Commission home in Stafford... and it was time to go out on our own :)

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Age: 2 years - 20 years (1976-1994)
Info: This is the house of my childhood. Most of my childhood memories centre around this house and when I think of happy times with my mum, this is the home I picture her in. It may not have been our house but she made it my home growing up - and a happy childhood it was.

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Age: 20 years-23 years (1994 - 1997)
Info: This is the first home my mum ever owned and for that reason it will always be special to me because it was so very special to her. Unfortunately this home still holds many memories of my mum's illness and death for me... the months of caring for her, visiting her, fighting with her..... maybe I'll work through these one day. I hope so.
However, due to the financial crisis of 2008 and our desire to upgrade our family home, we had to sell this home.

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Age: 23 (Aug 1997- Jan 1998)
Info: I moved out with my then current boyfriend's best friend Nick into my first share house. we had lots of fun times here. Good memories of this house ... but they were short lived as our lease was not renewed after 6 months as the owner's daughter wanted to move in.. yeah thanks for that.... so Nick and I moved on.
Interesting fact: This house turned out to be owned by one of Dave's friend's dad - so that he'd already been to parties in this house before I had!!!

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Age: 23-25 (Jan 1998 - Oct 1999)
Interesting fact: This house was haunted - a fact that Sueann and I thought was great (Sueann moved in with us after a few months) but a fact that TOTALLY freaked Nick out - girly wuss ;)
I moved out of this house when after numerous housemate changes due to work changes and engagements etc etc, the housemate situation went stale for me and Dave and Geoff kindly offered to take me into their home until I got back from Africa and could look for somewhere new ......

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Age: 25-33 (1999-2008)
Info: This house was where Dave was living with his Nan until she had a stroke and had to go and live with his folks. Then Geoff moved in to share the house and then I came along to camp out here until I went to Africa (the plan being to look for somewhere new to live when I got back). That didn't go to plan however when Dave and I went from housemates to soulmates and started actually living together. In 2001, we bought the place from his Nan and we owned our first home together.

Interesting fact: After we had the girls we realised that they were the fifth generation of Rogers to live in the house given that his great-Nan had lived there for some time before she died.

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Age: 33-34 (Jan 2008 - Dec 2008)

Info: At the end of 2007 I could stand the size of our beloved Mitchy home no longer - it was two small for a family of four in this day and age (his grandparents did it no problems but then they didn't have 3 computers, a printer, scanner, server, media centre etc etc etc to house) !!
We had to-ed and fro-ed forever re: do we renovate, knock down and rebuild or just move.... so rather than make a quick decision we moved into the above house - kindly rented to us by friends who were moving to Vic - until we could decide what to do about our living situation.

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Age: 34 - onwards (2008 - ???)

Info: After spending a very tumultuous 2008 at our Kedron home the decision was made not to renovate our Mitchy home or knock down and rebuild due to the anticipated stress!!! So while I was off work i started trawling the Real Estate sites for our new home - criteria? LOTS OF SPACE.... and I found it. Of course lots of space often translates into "ugly 70's brick monstrosity" but we decided (after much prompting by Dave to convince me ugly was fixable) to buy the big house and be able to make those lovely aesthetic changes at our own pace while still having enough space that I wouldn't feel the need to kill anyone for some room :)
It's been a great first year here (it will be our first anniversary in about 12 days) - and I'm enjoying the 'renovating at our own pace because nothing is desperately in need of doing'..... updated pics of before and after shots of various spaces in the house to follow soon......

And there you have my life in houses dear readers .... care to share yours?

And so I finally make a return to blogging

Hello dear readers,
Alas it has been too long... and to what do I owe my excuse - to Facebook of course, and by associatiation, my cardiac arrest because until I was stuck at home convalescing last year, I had staunchly refused to accept any invitations to join Facebook.... and now I know why!!! TIMEWASTER OF THE CENTURY!! :)

The reason for this very belated post, is in fact in response to a Facebook status update where I recently decided it was wise (ok I didn't decide it was wise so much as I flippantly posted a status update without thinking that it would spark 1000 very reasonable questions from lovely caring friends) to post a status update about my recent neuropsychological testing that confirmed my suspicion that I had indeed acquired some brain damage after my bout of oxygen deprivation last August (see here if you have absolutely no idea what on earth I'm talking about).

Since my very slow (emotionally and cognitively) recovery last August I've been grappling with memory and 'brain' issues and my husband can attest to my complete lack of memory for seemingly inane things on a day to day level - like leaving the hose running for 5 hours and pretty much depleting our water tank, etc etc etc.....

So I recently chatted to an ex-housemate of mine who is now a paediatric neuropsych and so he suggested that I go and see a particular neuropsych who as it happens also operates out of Prince Charles so I was able to see him as an outpatient under Medicare - all the better as I know how much those pesky psychologists charge privately ;)

So I got a referral from my GP and managed to get in (very quickly as it happens... helps to know some people who know people) last Friday and had some follow-up testing today. OMG. To be on the other side of psych testing - hour after hour after hour of question after question after question... it was EXHAUSTING. I especially liked the point last Friday where I hit a wall (of fatigue and hunger and who knows what) when he gave me a list of 5 words and I was supposed to repeat them and I looked at him and had to say "I have absolutely no idea what you just said!!"

So anyway, memory tests, concentration tests, attention tests, intelligence tests.... and on and on and on. I even got to do a personality test but that was just to help out an intern who needed to add some psych testing to her internship hours.

First though I'm going to digress and explain why I really got this testing done - it wasn't just about the forgetting hoses or washing on the line or forgetting to return calls.... - it had a lot to do with work. I had quit my job early in the year after attempting to return and having an absolute panic attack about it. I've been struggling in some casual work ever since - and can't even explain why I'm struggling... I just can't seem to really focus on it at all. And I started to worry that my issues were psychological in terms of stress and anxiety and that perhaps I had unresolved issues regarding my cardiac arrest etc etc etc. So I guess I wanted to lay to rest - was this a physical/cognitive issue or one of anxiety/stress and a psychological nature.

And as it turns out, I have been completely vindicated in my decision to quit my job (I was a project manager by the way - attempting to keep 25 balls juggling in the air at any one time)..... turns out that I don't have memory problems per se. What I have are attention deficits.... this fluctuating ability to attend to things which means that I miss vast chunks of things that I'm told or am meant to be remembering - if I can't jumptstart myself to attend, then I can get it into my short term memory and we have not problems. If I zone on you.. then chances are I'm going to remember nothing you said (remember that people, it will be my ongoing excuse).
The other problem I have is with dual processing - attending to more than one thing at once - which explains my recent inability to listen to someone on the phone while listening to my daughter ask for a drink of water which results in me having an absolute meltdown out of proportion to the situation. Finally, while my executive functioning is still superior (their words not mine)... and apparently I'm still quite smart :) my processing time is lagging a little, which means that I can still get there, but it takes me longer. This is resulting in me getting a bit frustrated and anxious and stressed - raiising cortisone levels - and resulting in even poorer attention and round and round and round we go. He said he could sit there and watch me on tests and physically see me getting pissed at myself that I wasn't doing things as fast as I wanted and then BAM my performance would get even worse....

So... I have to go because my 4 year old won't stop talking to me and I can't focus on her and typing ;) ...... all in all I feel better. I feel better that I was right to quit a job that required HUGE amounts of dual processing and information processing in general.... I feel better that there is a reason that I forget to bring in the clothes off the line after 3 days..... all in all I just feel better.

There's not huge amounts they can do, but I have some strategies... and I'm armed with knowledge. More knowledge than I've had since this happened in August and for a type-a that's very important.

So there you have it people... I'm brain damaged but still bright ;) So you can put one over on me, but not for long... I'll figure it out eventually... it might just take me a bit longer.

Thanks everyone for the concern.

xo

Mine can talk to the strawberries

Charli: Mum, at school they teach us that if we talk to the plants they like it, and grow.
Me: Really? Are you sure? (seems a bit hippy for our childcare)
Charli: Yep (walks over to strawberry plant in pot we've not yet planted and says) - "Hi Strawberry, how you going? I like you....... don't die ok?"

Ok-aaaaay.

Where has the time gone.... really.

Dear Mum,
This post is for you, because I've been thinking of you so much lately. I don't know whether it's because Charlotte turns 4 tomorrow, or because I've been finding parenting so challenging lately, or just because I miss you so much at the moment. Whatever the reason, I wanted to let you know how things have been going lately.

Firstly let me start with your beautiful, if not challenging grand-daughters. Where to begin. I know that whatever I have to say about them.... if you were here with us today, you'd throw your head back and laugh and regale me with stories about me as a youngster. Mostly I know that when I moan and groan about the fact that neither of them ever shut - up you'd just laugh and tell me that was karma coming back to reap it's debt. I remember you saying that I learnt to speak at 2 and never shut up.... well sweetie, that's your grand-daughters - except I have 2 of them to deal with !!!

Charlotte, our beautiful first born, turns four tomorrow. And it is truly incomprehensible to me that this time 4 years ago I was sitting in front of the computer wondering if the inklings of pain in my belly were the beginnings of labour. So much seems to have happened since then. So much that I've not been able to share with you...

And Mackenzie.... oh dear sweet, evil Mackenzie :) She can laugh and play the clown until tears run down my cheeks. She also has no compunctions about standing there and screaming until blood runs from your ears if she does not get what she wants... or if Charli says something she disagrees with.... or if indeed the sky is not the exact shade of blue that she desires.... sigh. Blimey. No-one ever tells you about this side of parenting. Mum, you never said it was like this. You never told me that your soon-to-be-tomorrow 4 year old would stick her hip out, put her hand on it, and hold her hand up and say "Mum, that's not what I'm doing right now, please stop talking"... I mean Mother of God. How does one deal with that? Some days I throw things. Some days I laugh. I'm trying to capture the 'laughter' days more than the 'throw things' days :)

We've moved into our new house and I think you'd really like it. Well you'd like the yard. The house I know you'd take one look at it and bemoan how much time it will take to keep it clean... which is what I do on a daily basis as it happens. As it happens I am turning into you, not surprisingly ;)
Most days I spend pottering in the garden, weeding, planting veg, the occasional flower for Charli, some succulents and drought hardy plants. Unlike you I do not do well with high-needs plants.... I'm too lazy. A relaxing hour for me now is watering the yard (without the children in tow) and I ponder all the times I remember you standing in the yard, watering the grass/gardens... and I know how much you would have hated current water restrictions in Brisbane ;)

So Mum, I know you know all the stuff that went on for us last year, my health and what not. I know you know this because I choose to believe that the only reason I am still here today is that there was an 'angel' on my shoulder that day. I don't know if it was you - or some 'essence' of you that was sent....but whatever it was, it's responsible for me being here to see my daughters' next birthdays and for that I'm eternally grateful. So last year's antics resulted in me wanting to 'tie up some loose ends with my life'....... and so I contacted Dad.

I can't explain why I needed to except that I never got around to telling him about your death, and the fact that I'd never heard from him after a couple of attempts at contacting him when I was a teen just left me feeling 'empty'.... like I needed to make contact even though I knew if my heart of hearts it would amount to nothing. So I contacted him.

It didn't go so well. I emailed him (after finding his email on Google) to ask about family health issues. I said that while I respected his decision not to have contact with me that I thought he at least owed me some family health history given what I'd been through (and given that I had two daughters to think of now). He emailed back (the next morning which shocked me) with some family history that doesn't seem relevant which is good to know I guess.... and then said he'd call me on Monday. I freaked. I realised I wasn't ready for contact. I worded a very careful email that suggested that if he didn't want any further contact with me and was only going to call to re-iterate what he said in his email, then he shouldn't call me. I wasn't ready for rejection, for some cold phone call that ended with him saying he didn't want to ever see me ... I mean I knew that was the case, somehow I knew - I mean if he'd wanted to find me before now he could have right?..... so I told him not to call. ..... ...... ...... and he called. 9.40 on a Tuesday morning he called. After me coming to grips with never speaking to him because he hadn't called Monday... he goes and calls Tuesday and sends my world into a spin. and you know what we talked about Mum... camping, and drinking red wine.... and family health. Mum, I honestly don't understand - why did you spend your life loving this man who seems so shallow to me now. This man who did not respond to me letting him know that you'd died. This man who acknowledged that he has a wife and 2 18-year old twin boys (my brothers!!) who know nothing of me. I don't understand. I was so stunned during the phone call that the ANGER I felt towards this man... my father... did not hit me until about an hour later. I was shaking. I cried. How could he not at least conjure up the words "I was sorry to hear about your Mum".... was he so emotionally stunted that he couldn't even do that? This is a man that you bore a child with .... ME.... and whom you were with for 7 years. I decided after that phone call that I wanted nothing more to do with that man unless he decided to tell his family about me (which I knew he wouldn't) as I couldn't be a party to such .... what is the word.??? I can't even think. The betrayal ... of you... of the life you lived together for 7 years..... words fail me. He is weak and I have no respect for him and it pains me to say that because I know you spent your life alone because you never stopped loving him... and until the day I die I will not understand why.

I'm sorry to have made this such a 'downer' letter to you mum... it was meant to be a celebration of your grand-daughter's birthday tomorrow..... so let me shake off this melancholy..... life goes on. Your beautiful, if not talkative, grand-daughter speaks of you often. You are grandma to her - although I know you alwasy wanted to be Nanna - but Grandma you are. And nothing stops me dead in my tracks faster than on the numerous occasions when she does something new and I ask her where she learned that..... and she turns to be with her big blue innocent eyes and says "Your mum taught me that yesterday".... and just for a moment... i can feel my heart stop....

I love you
Your loving daughter
xoxox

Blogging Drought... again

I'll blog soon, I promise. Lots to update you all on..... Liza, email me again on Monday if I forget... I PROMISE I'll blog soon
xoxoxox

One minute I could kill her and then....

So I'm sitting here at 10pm mucking about on the computer because my 3 year old is going through one of her "I'm never tired" phases. I blew my stack (I'm trying to get some work done for a tomorrow deadline) and said "Okay, watch telly but DON'T SAY A WORD" because quite frankly I needed her to stop interrupting me with requests for water, needs to go to bathroom, desire to have a different book by her bed.... all delaying tactics if ever I've seen them. So after about 30 minutes of silence I hear:

"Mum I've been really quiet have I?"
"Yes Charli you have"
(pause)
"Well, now I think it's time to discuss the beach tomorrow. What do you think we should take? I think pyjamas. And toothbrushes. And toothpaste - will they have toothpaste? ....."

and on and on she went..... I shut down my work with a sigh. What's the bleedin' point?

It's kind of sad....

how little is expected of other people in the way of courtesy. While shopping for groceries this morning (don't even get me started on the $400 bill!!), I was getting out a trolley and noticed a lady walking towards me, as she approached the trolleys I offered her the one I had and then grabbed another one - I mean I was standing right there!!! She was soo grateful..said I had done my good deed for the day. I said thank you but suggested that I could probably do a little better than that for a good deed. Really people - this is all it takes to make people happy while going about their daily chores - just a little courtesy, nothing much. It sort of makes me sad that such a small gesture is even considered a 'good deed' rather than just a common courtesy.

The walls are built... and my vegie patch will soon be a reality!!

You shouldn't send emails when you've been drinking....

Cause I've just sent my father an email. Despite numerous attempts to contact him over the years (and knowing that he must have received the letters) and getting no response, I considered it wise to send him an email at 10pm on a Wednesday night (having found his email address on Google of course) asking him for medical information because I thought it only fair given I'd suffered an unexplained Cardiac Arrest last August and could tell no-one my medical history (mum's adopted, dad did a runner)... so there you go. Drunken confessions on a Wednesday night - I'll be sure to keep you all updated...

The attempt to make my house look like something out of House and Garden... sort of

The new table:






Note the lovely suede chairs - the plastic that comes over them when they are delivered.... it's not coming off for another 18 years or so ;)

And here is a photo of our sideboard, complete with lavender infused decorations straight from the tree and shells from the beach - my attempt at H&G type decorating :)

Day 3?? of Landscaping..... the Water Tank Arrives

Updates January 2009

1. Day Three (well really 2 because not much happened yesterday) of landscaping. The slab for our new mega-10,000L water tank has been finished. I love that 2 seconds after concrete was laid it poured down for exactly five minutes and then fined up. Joel insists that he brings the rain with him... I suggested he should not be doing the concreting jobs and he totally agreed :)


Before dirt for garden


After some dirt has been added for garden





Before slab laid for water tank



After slab laid for water tank


2. My new toys.......





the bike is part of my new fitness craze - trying to get some physical activity into my life and find some calm 'me' time to ensure 2009 and is not a repeat performance of 2008. The bike is in conjunction with Yoga (starting today) and yes, the aforementioned pole dancing.... which for all of you who are wondering is NOT to spice up my sex life. I can barely move for 2 days after training, I have bruises on my shins which are not pretty and I look anything but sexy doing the dance... more like "how the fuck am I meant to get my leg up there?" sort of look on my face. But it's clearly a workout as I've lost weight already and can feel that slow burn in muscles that I didn't even know I had!!! And no, none of you are invited to the end of semester concert... that means you Geoffrey ;)

The pool table? Okay so not really an exercise strategy - more one of 'learning to wind down at the end of the day'.

ciao
xo

Okay I'm going to fess up....

I have pole burn... figure it out, send heaps of shocked comments my way and then I'll elaborate :)

Day 1 Landscaping....The Tree is Felled (don't worry more will be planted in it's place!!)

A good laugh to start the new year