Sometimes life is dark......you just have to find the light

Hello dear readers,
this blog for me seems to have become like a poetry diary I had as a teen... filled with all the negative as sort of an outpouring of difficult emotion. Which sort of makes me sad. At one stage I would blog about the things my kids did and some happy events. But I'll try not the dwell, the blog is what the blog is and right now I need it to be my outlet for bleak. I also hope that this entry is a lifeline to those who have felt this way - to know that others out there feel this way and it's ok.

Not sure where to begin really. Life is overwhelming which most of you probably already know. those with children will understand. Those with children under five will totally sympathise. Those of you with GIRLS under five will probably be at this moment sending me cases of wine in commiserations..... (you're sending me wine right?). For a while now... weeks.... months... I'm not really sure, the recurring conversation in our household has been that I don't think that it should be this hard, that life shouldn't be this difficult and challenging ALL THE TIME and that there should be moments of happiness. Usually when these whinings arise Dave and I are both tired and it usually results in something along these lines from Dave ....

Life is hard
Did you expect it to be easy with kids? Why on earth would you ever have thought that?
We do have happy moments but you seem to only remember the bad stuff?
Life is hard
No this is as good as it gets


So in amongst all of that, what I hear is that there is no hope of a light at the end of the tunnel, this is my life, stressed, tired, cranky, whingy kids, screaming kids in the case of the 3 year old...... and while I can sit here now and realise with amazing clarity that it's not really what he's saying, in the midst of the argument that's what I hear, because (and ladies I'm appealing to you hear) - what I really want... no what I really NEED to have happen, is for my other half to pull me up by my bootstrings, acknowledge that I'm feeling overwhelmed, tell me that things will get better and that he loves me very much (oh and ask how he can help me feel less overhwhelmed!!).

What usually happens is so far removed from that ... well it's not funny really.

So last week - I don't know when - darkness hit. I don't know what caused it or when it was exactly - which as a psychologist indicates DEPRESSIVE MOOD DO NOT TRY TO ANALYSE (but of course I spent hours trying to work out what the hell triggered this darkness).
Honestly all I remember of last week is crying. Sitting on the stairs before school with Zie screaming that she wanted to wear some fucking dress that she was going to freeze her arse off in and Charli whining because I hadn't finished printing off her photos for the art competition and me starting out all "I don't give a shit what you wear Zie and Charli shut the hell up" and then BAM. .... there I was on the bottom step, socks in hand just feeling dead inside. Like this was it, I just couldn't go on... and what was the point in it all because really.... I mean the next day would just be the same right (this was on about day 3 by the way.... by Day 3 my husband and I were not longer speaking in sentences of more than 2 words because I had alienated him so much with my despondency and outright anger at the world that he had just withdrawn from me).

So I dropped Charli off at school in tears - the mums are still wondering what the hell THAT was about. I dropped Zie off - I pulled it together and then BAM... I got to go to work and listen to people's problems.... because hey - I wasn't going to have a problem at all keeping my problems and their problems separate that day was I???? Transference and projection anyone?? And so began a painful day of relationship problems (my husband won't talk to me?? hello - you think your husband is bad... let me tell you about mine.... [and no I didn't actually say that dear readers], birth trauma issues that haunted me to the core, parenting problems that just made me want to hug the mum and cry with her because what the hell do I know about dealing with 3 year olds? Mine is ruling my life???).

anyway, you get the idea. Last week was BLACK. And suddenly a very dear old friend of mine.... hugging me at swimming lessons while I bawled my eyes out while my daughter learnt to swim.... she says "oh honey, and I just realised that Mother's Day is in a few days, so wonder you're feeling shit"....and BAM... another black hole hit (though it did give me some insight into my lack of insight as to why life seemed so bleak right now!! so thanks honey).

So I'm angry. And I'm tired. And I'm feeling like my expectations of life lay in tatters on the floor... and are being pissed on too because that's how badly my expectations have been blown apart. And I'm thinking therapy is a good option right now :)

But it's not over yet..... there's a wealth of stories I've not yet told you about my darling 3 year old... and really I won't go into her abysmal behaviour because who wants to remember that years from now.... suffice to say I was a little rough with her on Saturday night (Mother's Day Eve) - well not rough really but physically firm in picking her up but i was furious with her..... and she started screaming that I'd hurt her arm. Long story short.... emergency room, petulant child screaming that I'd hurt her but wouldn't tell me where she hurt, nurse gets her to calm down, has good range of motion and then says her left arm hurts (IT WAS HER RIGHT ARM PEOPLE)... and I stand there stunned that the level of manipulation and guilt from my 3 year old has resulted in me being in a private emergency centre at midnight - fearful of DOCS being called.....and there was nothing wrong..... except that she was pissed at me because she didn't want to clean her teeth ..... SHE DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN HER TEETH.... am I yelling too much in this post??? I burst into tears with relief and wanted to slap her at the same time...... parenting moment anyone?.... Lord. I've never been a religious woman but I've got to admit that I've chanted the serenity poem a few times in the last couple of minutes alone.....

Anyway, I really have no idea where I was going with this post. Mother's Day came and went - I managed to survive mother's day lunch which was lovely but poignant and painful at the same time. My hubby and I are talking again. The fog is slowly lifting.....but I am fearful that it may descend again sometime soon.... and in amongst all of this... a slow burning fear that life is becoming all too stressful again - a fear that sets my little heart a pitter patter at all hours of the night - while I get to lay there telling myself that it is not going to give out on me again... that it's just anxiety..... that I will be here to mourn through another Mother's Day next year..... and I'm safe in the knowledge that something has to change.... I just have to figure out what that 'something' is.

xoxox