Well it finally happened. That day that was bound to happen when everything just hit me. That day was yesterday. Out of the blue. Like these moments usually do - to catch you off guard. I had Owen's second birthday party to be at by 2pm at Wynnum. 2pm. I mean it's not like it was first thing in the morning. However I had been awake most of the night with a little Zie who has decided that she must be fed every 1.5-2hours and it's killing me. Add that to the fact that it's been going on for a few nights so I was sleep deprived, Dave starts his new job soon and I know that as wonderful as that is it is going to be a stressful transition, I didn't get the job I want so I have to return to my job in 8 days (and counting), Charli is being an inquisitive 2-year old - constantly asking questions and back chatting us, Mum's birthday was on Thursday (she would have been 60)...... well it all just added up to a day when everything just went BLAAAAH. Suddenly this weight just hit me. The thought of trying to get Charli and Zie both fed lunch and dressed, and me dressed (I was still in my pjs at 11am).......it's hard to explain to anyone who has never had 2 kids and been sleep deprived - and by anyone, I mean you have to be the mummy. Because I'm still not convinced that any man has half a clue as to how hard this all is.... I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it's just the way it is.
Anyway, so the breaking point was my lovely little Zie would not stop rolling and I couldn't get her pants on her.... and bam. I am curled up on the bed next to my naked baby crying and sobbing and wondering just how easy it would be to hurt one of them. It's hard to admit that here on a public forum, but I'm going to.... because I think that people are all too quick to gloss over the hardships of parenthood sometimes. I mean, I would never have comprehended how someone could possibly even consider harming their children - before I had kids and hadn't slept properly in over a week. Then the reality was all too close to home.
Then the real kicker. The event to really make me feel guilty as hell for being human and crying? Darling two-year old Charli, inquisitive and caring, comes in, gets up on the bed, starts patting me and questioning "what's wrong mummy? you sad? it's okay."..... over and over and over again. I tried to smile through the tears. Tried to tell myself that no small child should have to see their mummy totally lose it on a Saturday afternoon when in reality we were meant to be going to a party. So I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed and we went to the party. It's a blur. Charli seemed to have a good time - and a big thank you to Shaz who spent most of the afternoon running around after her as I just didn't have the energy.
Anyway, driving home in a daze (Sharon informs me they were driving next to me the whole way home with the girls waving at me from their car and I didn't even notice them) hubby texts and says he's spoken to Mother-in-Law and Charli can stay there for the night. So feeling guilty again I drop her over there and she is now staying there until Monday morning. We had another bad night with Zie and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. Please no suggestions. We've tried them all. I'm not going down the path of controlled crying. I don't feel comfortable co-sleeping with her (I'm not opposed to it I just am so dog tired that I'm not game to), we will be trying the heater tonight, hubby tried giving her formula through the night to give me a break but she screamed for 45 minutes before he was forced to come in and reluctantly wake me to feed her, she's been wrapped, not wrapped, cuddled, burped, she's not in pain as she immediately falls asleep as soon as she comes in to bed with me and takes one suck of my boob... *sigh*..... she just wants her mummy and mummy desperately needs some alone sleep time. This time shall pass. And I'll look back and wonder where the time went. But right now the immediate future seems bleak and sleep deprived and tiring.
Parenthood - who'd do it right? I would. All over again. But just let me say "FUCK". Sometimes it's hard.
Scream it to the rafters. It is hard! Absolutely. Sending you loads of hugs and smiles and anything else I can over the cyber waves.
ReplyDeleteI think we've all been there - the thought of harm crosses your mind, but you know that really, deep down, you couldn't do it. So don't feel guilty about admitting it.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to offload either (or both), you've got lots of friends who'd be happy to take over for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep. So don't hesitate to just give us a call.
I hear you loud and clear! Vent if you need to. It's good for you. You're only human after all and kids need to understand that so they too can remember they're human.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, I hope having only Zie to deal with for a coupld of days helps you get a little bit of rest at least.
ReplyDeleteAnd ditto to what Sharon offered, you know I'm only a phone call away!
On a lighter note - after reading this entry of yours, having thoughts of a second baby soon, really brought the reality of it all to light for me...
Hi Carla
ReplyDeleteThank god for people like you who are game enough to publicly say that some days are REALLY, REALLY tough and thoughts of harming your child cross your mind. Its happened to all of us at some stage.
Honestly, every single mother should be given a medal for what they have to cope day in day out, every freaking day.
Thankfully the good moments outweigh the bad moments or else the human race would be in serious trouble!
There are some mummies on a certain web-site that we used to all subscribe to (u know which one), where they have twins and in the following year have another baby. Now are these people Super humans? I just dont get it. I think if i had twins, i would never want to have kids again! anyway sorry for rambling on your blog. Sending big hugs your way!
Tara
i wish there was something i could do from sydney. i think there will be mums out there who will read this post and thank god they aren't the only ones to have felt this way. good on you for telling it like it is.
ReplyDeleteHey Babe.
ReplyDeleteSending you smiles and happy thoughts. :-)
Yes you are right... This too, shall pass.
I am here if I can possibly do anything for you.